My wife told me that she hates revolving doors and is afraid that she’ll get stuck in them.
I said, “You’ll come around eventually.”
Caveman discovers fire Stone age begins
As they are running, they both trip over a magic lamp. The genie pops out and looks at the two. “Since you both touched the lamp, you will both get 3 wishes,” says the genie. The bear starts jumping up and down waving its paws and says “Oh, oh, oh, me first! I wish all the bears in this forest except for me were female!” The genie snaps his fingers and all the bears in the forest except for this bear are females. The rabbit says, “I’ll take a scooter, please.” The genie snaps his fingers and poof a little white scooter just the right size for the rabbit appears. The bear says, “Oh, oh, oh! If you can make all the bears in this forest female, then I want all the bears in this country but me to be female!” The genie snaps his fingers and all of the bears in that country except for this bear are females. The rabbit says, “I’ll take a helmet.” The genie snaps his fingers and a little white helmet with ear holes appears on the seat of the scooter. The bear is really excited now. He leaps up and down and yells, “If you can make all the bears in this country female, then I wish all the bears in the world were female except me!!” The genie snaps his fingers and all the bears in the entire world except for this bear are female. The rabbit puts on his helmet and hops on the scooter. He looks at the genie, then at the bear, then back to the genie. He says, “I wish the bear was gay,” and drives off.
Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time, Bob?" Bob: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."
Now I’m clean
Q: Why did the window frame hurt? A: It had window pains!
Way to leave me hanging guys
Well, the answer's pretty clear…
All three sit down at the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says, “What’ll ya have?” The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I’m only gonna pay half price.” The bartender serves up four beers, and tells the man, “that’ll be $12.67.” The man reaches in his pocket and without even looking sets exact change down on the bar. After they finish their beers, the bartender asks, “anything else?” The man says, “Gimme a shot of bourbon.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want a double bourbon, but I’m only gonna pay half price.” The bartender serves them and says, “That’s $14.03.” The man reaches into his pocket and without even looking again sets exact change on the bar. After that round, the bartender says, “What else will ya have?” The man says, “I need a Jack and Coke.” The ostrich says, “Me too!” The cat says, “I want two Jack and Cokes, and I’m only paying…” “Half price, I know,” says the bartender. He sets them up and says, “$16.38, please.” The man reaches in his pocket a third time, and again sets exact change on the bar without counting it out. The bartender asks the man, “How is it that every time you pay for your drink order, you can set exact change on the bar without looking?” The man says, “Well, some years ago I was walking on the beach in Egypt, and I found a magic lamp in the sand. I rubbed it, and a genie appeared and granted me three wishes for setting him free. So, with the first wish, I wished that no matter what I ever wanted to buy, I would always have exact change for it in my pocket.” The bartender says, “That’s brilliant! Most people would wish for a million or five million or whatever. This way, you’ll never run out of money, you don’t have to worry about carrying it, and you’ll never be robbed! Absolutely brilliant.” The man says, “I know, and thank you!” The bartender says, “So what did you ask for with your other two wishes?” The man said “A chick with long legs and a tight pussy.”
No text found
A buddy of mine wasn’t feeling well, so I decided to send him 10 of my best puns to make him feel better.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
It has grown on me
The people of Dubai don’t like the Flintstones but the people of Abu Dhabi Do.
…and orders everyone a round.
But then I realized it would be a waist of time
Darth Braider (I know, I know. She's a kid though. Lol)
For keeping me off the streets
It’s my ankle.
They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.
It weighed won ton.
I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”
Now that's what I call seizing the day.
Daughter: Dad, are you smart? Me: Yes. Daughter: Spell it. Me: S-M-A-R-T Daughter: You said you’re smart but you can’t even spell the word “it.” She got me good.
she fell onto the floor. She popped right back up on the bed and yelled, "FIVE SECOND RULE!"
Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it.
The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in
I heard their service is second to one.
You can only ran, because it's past tents.
But that was Ear-Elephant.
But I prefer sitting
I only had him 3 hours and he made a bolt for the door.