My wife told me this in the car the other day. Thought you might enjoy!
Wife: I can't believe they're still together after all that shit.
Me: Who?
Wife: My butt cheeks.
Can a woman make her husband a millionaire?
Of course, if he’s a billionaire.
Pun enters a bar. Bloody fight ensues, ten people die.
Pun in, ten dead.
They have been putting these up every day at work. This was the worst one so far
https://ift.tt/2VYOgkt
I’ve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.
I won’t rest until I find it.
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home.
She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
I asked 100 women which kind of shampoo they used.
The number one answer was, "How the hell did you get in here?"
A man tried putting ten jokes in a newspaper competition to win a car
But no pun-in-ten-did
Made this a month ago, someone should make a better version
Made this a month ago, someone should make a better version
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana then what is C for?
Plastic Explosives
How many motivational speakers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Zero, because the change starts with you.
My wife told me that I have two flaws:
I never listen. Something else…
I was arrested the other day for stealing people’s electrons.
I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience.
It’s probably not safe for me to be driving this car right now.
But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
A dog sleepwalks into a bar . . .
He tells the bartender “ZZZ I’m a cat ZZZ I’m a cat”. The bartender says “Yes sir you are.” The sleepwalking dog leaves and a patron says “Why did you agree with him? That dog’s not a cat!!” The bartender replies, “Sometimes you gotta let sleeping dogs lie.”
I asked my Scottish friend how many sexual partners he’s had.
He started counting but soon fell asleep.
An Xbox One and a PS4 get attacked… Here comes the ambulance!!!
WiiU! WiiU! WiiU! WiiU! WiiU!
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
From a young age I wanted to play guitar very badly.
After decades of dedicated and concentrated practice, I finally achieved my goal. I can play guitar very badly.
I once dated a girl that owned a parrot. That thing would never shut the fuck up.
The parrot was cool, though. Originally an Anthony Jeselnik joke
I’ve squirted an entire bottle of No More Tears in my baby’s face… …
and she's still crying. Parenting is hard
My 3 year old is constantly asking me questions about the new fish we got
He sure axolotl questions!
Dad
https://ift.tt/2DsYG33
In laughter the L comes first..
The rest of the letters come aughter it.
What do you call a cow that works out?
Beefy my 15 year old daughter trying to emulate my sense of humor.
A friend of mine claims he can throw a stick 5 miles and his pet dog will retrieve it.
I think that's a bit far fetched.
I was sitting on the toilet, exhausted, and late for work.
I thought, “I don’t have time for this shit.”
I must have an amazing butt
Whenever I'm done talking to people and walk away they say "What an ass"
Son: Dad, did you know that 1 out of 5 children in the world still face hunger?
Dad: Why isn’t anybody turning the 5th kid around?