My wife told me this in the car the other day. Thought you might enjoy!
Wife: I can't believe they're still together after all that shit.
Me: Who?
Wife: My butt cheeks.
When did bugs become potatoes?
What if like a ladybug got all dusty and stopped flying and became a Potatoe bug?
I told my son, “Have you heard that they’re shutting down all food resources in schools, so that children can’t eat?”
"Canteens?" he asked. "No, it doesn't matter what age," I replied.
After you die, what part of you body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils. They dilate.
Ive noticed an uptick in time travel jokes lately
I like them alot. EDIT: Thank you all for the upvotes. EDIT2: Thank you for the gold kind stranger!
What has 8 legs and 8 eyes?
8 pirates
Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM.
Confused, I asked him what he was doing… He said: “Just checking my balance.”
My favorite time of day is 6:30; hands down
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As I get older and my eyesight gets worse, I can only think of one thing:
When will I get adult super vision?
My friend told me to stop acting like a flamingo
So I put my foot down
“To be and not to be”
—Schrödinger's Hamlet
Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today.
Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today.
What do you call a person who doesn’t wash his hands after pooping?
Arnold from marketing on the 7th floor. Fuck you dude, that’s disgusting. I know you sort by new and can see this. Wash your hands and Lysol your keyboard.
You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and say, “That’s a girl’s name!” Terry shoots you.
You have died of dissin' Terry.
Have you heard of the man who survived the electric chair
I was shocked but he wasn't
A man with authority walks into a bar..
He orders everyone a round.
Why did Donald Trump’s hair not blow off in the wind?
Because he dodged the draft.
What did the duck say when she bought a lipstick?
Put it on my bill!!
Her: It’s not working out between us. For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.
Me: I understand. And for the main course?
What’s similar between a hurricane and a women?
They come in hot and wet and leave with THE LAWN CHAIRS WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU BITCH
Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.
A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.
The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?" The man replies, " like a glove."
Why is it good to wash your eyes with ketchup?
Because Heinzsight is 20/20
Two goldfish are sitting in a tank…
One goldfish looks at the other and says: "Hey man, how the hell do you drive this thing?"
If you boil a funny bone
It becomes a laughing stock
What do you call a man who doesn’t fart in public?
A private tutor.
Can we uninstall 2020 and install it again?
This version has a virus.
I’m sorry if this is a repost but I found this posted seriously on an account I enjoy.
https://ift.tt/2QXZSDr
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way. Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a ……..
Why can’t the USA tell knock knock jokes?
Because freedom rings
Why was the vegan afraid of outer space?
Because it was filled with Meatorites.
How do you get a Redditor to click a post?
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