My wife told me to stop obsessing over a certain footballer.
So I said, "I'm not at your Beckham call."
Hey girl, are you a Communist?
Because I feel an uprising in my lower classes.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
I guess you could say it was bread in captivity
Why is a minnow always the first suspect for a crime?
Because he's always a little fishy
Hi everyone 24(F) here
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
What’s the difference between necrophilia and a choking fetish?
15 seconds, give or take.
So I had an interview last year
The interviewer: You answers should be quick Me: Ok Interviewer: what is 1490/52? Me:quick
What do you call a lazy Kangaroo?
A pouch potato!
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He is a web designer.
I told the doctor at the ER that I could do my own stitch work.
He replied “Okay, suture self”
So it turns out that one of my old friends might be going blind.
He’s not looking so good.
If you *still* don’t see the con, you’re probably one of his 62,985,134 marks
https://ift.tt/2RWnJny
There was a girl
There was a girl who went to sunday school and always fell asleep. One day the teacher asked and pointed at the sleeping girl, "Who made the world?" The boy behind her poked her with a pencil. She woke up and yelled GOD! "Thats correct!" The teacher said. The girl fell asleep again. The teacher asked, "Who died on the cross?" The boy poked the girl again and she yelled JESUS! "Thats correct!!" The teacher said again. The girl fell asleep again. After a while, the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when they had their 99th child?" The boy poked the girl again. The girl stood up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF!!!!"
Aussie Helpline
"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline here …What's the problem,cobber?" "I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up." "Bummer, mate..!" "Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."
A friend in Germany tells me everyone’s panic buying sausages and cheese.
It’s the Wurst Käse scenario.
I tried to cheer my buddy up by inviting him to a poker night after cows broke into his marijuana store and ate all his product, but he couldn’t come.
He said that the steaks were too high.
Women shoots her husband
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. "I have an interesting case here " he says "A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped". "Have you arrested her ? " asks the sergeant . "No not yet the floor is still wet"
myspacebarhasarestrainingorderagainstme
nowicanonlygotofacebookbar
What’s the difference between Spanish and Dad Jokes?
In Spanish, you roll your R’s and in Dad Jokes you roll your Eyes
Some motherfucker took a shit
When I got home from work I found two turds in my toilet. I know for a fact when I left there were three.
![Eight missed calls from [chain restaurant]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/7J01bKc-400x439.jpg)
I named my dog “5 miles” so I could say “I walked 5 miles”
But today, I ran over 5 miles
If a guy is addicted to masturbating but then gets addicted to sex…
Is it fair to say his addiction is getting out of hand?
“Did you just stand there watching me fall and drop all the laundry?”
"Yes, I watched it all unfold"
Why did it take so long for the pirates to learn the Alphabet?
They got stuck at C
So Johnny dies and goes to heaven, where god’s waiting to review his life.
God's all like "Aight, aight. I like you Johnny, I always have, always will. You helped old ladies cross the street, you donated to charities, and all in all in my professional divine opinion…. you're a stand up guy! But what the fuck's the deal with all the incest porn?" Johnny replied, " You see God, but that's just it, you fell right into my trap! You know I believed in you, which meant you knew, that I knew you were always watching! Yet you continued to watch my incest porn, time and time and again! So I ask you! What the fuck's the deal with all the incest porn?" God replied " Damn you're good"
My friend just phoned and asked me if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent…
My friend just phoned and asked me if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent… And you know me always willing to help my friends and family out… I told her…"give me a minute let me check my account and I'll phone u right back." Before I could check my account my friend's mom phones and says, "Don’t give her any money because she's lying.” Mom proceeds to tell me that she wants to use that $500 to get her boyfriend out of jail because she wants to be under the same roof with him for her birthday!!! So I thought about it for a minute, and decided to go ahead and give her the $500 cuz we all need help at times… So I phoned her back and said, "yea, I can help you" and met her and gave her an envelope of cash. A couple hours later, I got a call from the County Jail, I say hello and she starts screaming and asking, “Why did you give me counterfeit money?!" I replied: " so you and your boyfriend would be under the same roof for your birthday!!!"
Who’s the coolest guy in the hospital when the ultrasound guy isn’t there?
The hip replacement guy
Sadly I think my family are a bunch of racists.
I started dating a black girl recently, so I decided to bring her home to meet the family. The kids wouldn't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.
Have you heard about corduroy pillows?!?
They are making headlines!!!
My buddy just told me he needs major surgery: he’s having half his intestine removed.
(excuse my grammar that should be a semi-colon)
I for one…
Love Roman numerals
My interviewer asked if I could preform under pressure.
I said no, but I can do a good Bohemian Rhapsody
I’m not sure if my ceiling is the best i’ve ever had
but it's certainly up there.
How does Jesus make tea?
He brews it
I only lasted a month at the calender factory.
They fired me after taking a day off
Remember to poop before midnight tonight
You don’t want to be carrying the same shit into the new decade
How do you milk sheep?
With iPhone accessories.
