My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it
We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer
You can’t run in a campsite, you can only ran
Because it’s past tents
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…
I don't know what they've been laced with but I've been tripping all day.
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally and a kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
They should stock ATM’s better.
I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds!
I asked 100 girls what shampoo they prefer to use while taking a shower…
They all replied "How did you get in here??"
Congratulations to everyone graduating. Sorry this is such a crappy time to be doing so!
https://ift.tt/3aWnEFZ
How are condoms and poop bags alike?
If either one breaks at the wrong time, you could have a little shit on your hands.
My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I’m paid to travel.
My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I'm a bus driver.
A woman listen’s in on her 4 year old playing with his train set
“All those getting off, go on fuck off, and all those gettin on fucking hurry up” The woman smacks his bum and sends him upstairs till he’s learned his lesson. 2 hours later the boy comes back down, says sorry to his mum and carries on playing, Mum listens in: ”all those departing thank you for travelling with us and have a good day! All those boarding, mind the gap and have a safe journey!…And all those who are upset by the 2 hour delay, blame the fat cunt in the kitchen!
How do you turn a pussy into an asshole?
Give it a badge and a gun
I hate it when my wife says “Are you listening to me?!”
Such a random way to start a conversation.
My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid.
But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.
A man with authority walks into a bar..
He orders everyone a round.
I was walking along the other day and stepped in dog shit.
As I was wiping my shoe, I watched another guy also step in it. I said to him "I just did that". He walked over, punched me in the face and screamed, "You disgusting bastard!".
Is buttcheeks one word?
Or should I spread them apart?
I used to be heavily addicted to soap…
Don’t worry, I’m clean now.
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both." "Fook off you liar!" "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"
I have a friend who keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar…
…but I don’t believe him…
How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach?
It's not hard
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye matey! Courtesy of a 7 year old in my class.
I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth on a gram.
I was – like – 0MG.
What happened to the overconfident lion tamer?
He was consumed by his own pride
A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray
"Is this good for wasps?" he asked the assistant. "No, it kills them."
What do you call a Jewish Knight?
Sir Cumcised
There are 10 types of people in this world.
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.