My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the Fresh Prints
The Shredder
A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly!" said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one more copy."
What is the root of all evil?
25.8069758011
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary.
Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too.
I have a maths joke
But I’m 2² to say it
Sorry next generation, previous generation told current generation it was okay..
https://ift.tt/31VbTvZ
Six topless women sounds nice
Dozen Tit??
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
I turned to my son and asked him to name two pronouns.
He looked bewildered and replied, "Who, me?"
I sent my my deceased cat, Mittens, to be stuffed.
But the taxidermist only did her back half. It was a cat-ass-trophey.
I went to Borders and asked the blonde for a book about turtles
She said 'hardback?' So I replied, 'yeah, with 4 legs and little heads'
My half-brother is 6’5
Jeez, imagine if he were a full brother
My wife told me im unable to describe my feelings
Can’t say that I‘m surprised
On Earth, science is driven by curiosity
On Mars, Curiosity is driven by scientists.
What do you call a T-Rex that can fly
A Dino-soar
Eminem walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “Give me two shots of…”
The bartender cuts him off saying,”You only get one shot.”
My wife threatened to kick me out of the house if I did not stop acting like a Flamingo.
That was when I put my foot down!
Wife yells from kitchen: Babe, we’re almost out of trash bags…
I yelled back: Well why do you keep throwing them away? I got a very stern look.
What do you call a group of Nazi birds?
The Goose-Tapo
A man gives his wife blood to keep her alive.
Later they split up, man says, I want my fucking blood back, wife throws a tampon at him and says I'll pay monthly.
How was Rome split in two?
With a pair of Ceasars.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.
But when it does, no one is shocked.
What do you give to a sick pig?
Oink-ment
2, 4 and 6 tried to defeat 3, 5 and 7
But the odds were against them
Have you seen the new Exorcist movie?
This time it’s the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.
We have hit 20,000 members! Thank you all!
Firstly I’d like to thank each and every one of you who had joined this subreddit. This subreddit full of memes that I, myself, don’t even understand. 20000 people, that’s just… wow!It is an honour to serve this community and every single one of you members, new or old.Secondly I’d like to say how activity in this subreddit has been at an all time high, we are getting more posts than ever, of course that means more reposts, and posts that break other rules that our subreddit has, but on behalf of the moderation team, I’m here to assure you that we have you covered, we want to make sure you only get the highest quality posts when you look at r/sciencememes.I hope to see you again when we hit our next major milestone.If you ever need me, or any other of the moderation team feel free to use ModMail, if you see a post or comment breaking the rules, don’t be afraid to report them.🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
I named my dog “5 miles” so I could say “I walked 5 miles”
But today, I ran over 5 miles
A friend told me that he doesn’t understand how cloning works.
I told him, “That makes two of us.”
Apparently my snoring is so loud that
I scare everyone in the car I'm driving
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant
The nice thing about bending your bed sheets without someone to help you…
is that when you're done it's easy to clean the floor: you're already half way through. (Might as well have been a "dirty" joke.)
Punguins
/r/puns/comments/gm62au/heard_of_the_extinct_species_that_used_to_cohabit/
Why did the coffee file a police report
It got mugged
I can never get anything right. Yesterday I attempted suicide.
My wife left for work. I went into the garage, sealed the windows and doors. Started my car, let it run. I sat in my lawn chair and closed my eyes. After eight hours, nothing. I felt the same. I was soo pissed off I shut of my Tesla and went back inside.