My wife tried to embarrass me in front of her friends….
She said I wasn't any good in bed.
She was shocked when they all disagreed with her!
While Trump goes off the rails about Russians helping Sanders lets not forget.
https://ift.tt/2unJRh4
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One said, "Think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'These feel just like your sister's." Then you try to stay on for 8 seconds.
“Jesus loves you” is a great thing to hear in church…
It’s a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
If you push the envelope…
…is it still stationary?
Someone keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off
I think I’m being stalked
A guy marvels at himself in the mirror
Guy: "Ah just three more inches and I'd be KING" His wife on the bed behind him: "Three inches less and you'd be QUEEN"
That didn’t end well
That didn’t end well
If you regret your vote in 2016, don’t worry about it
Hindsight is 2020
Why are leopards so bad at playing hide and seek?
Because they're always spotted.
Go to the animal shelter for a dog and you’re a saint.
Go to the women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone loses their mind.
Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch.
Who the fuck does that.
I brought my daughter out for her first drink…
While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink. Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house. I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it. I thought maybe she'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope! In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar's finest scotch. She wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it! By the time I realized she just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push her stroller back home!
Donald J. Trump has been impeached
Finally, something he's earned
Do you know I tell dad jokes?
He even laughs sometimes.
I told my wife she’s been painting her eyebrows on a little too high.
She seemed surprised.
Started a new job recently and my fiance asked me if there was a gym in my building…
I said, not sure I haven't met everyone yet. She was not amused.
Is buttcheeks spelled as one word?
Or do you have to spread them apart?
Spelling An L
Is down-right easy
My doctor diagnosed me with severe lack of observation.
That came out of nowhere.
Genie: You have only one more wish left.
Me: I wish I was a star. Gen⭐e: We⭐rd but okay.
Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today.
Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today.
If the person who named walkie-talkies also named other things…
Stamp – licky-sticky Defibrillator – hearty-starty Bumble bee – fuzzy-buzzy Fork – stabby-grabby Socks – feety-heaties Nightmare – screamy-dreamy Tennis racket – stringy-swingy Cactus – pricky-sticky Squid – squishy-fishy Horror film – thrashy-slashy Whisky – stinky-drinky Wasp – stingy-wingy Parrot – wordie-birdie Auto-correct – writey-righty Lifejacket – boaty-coaty
My therapist told me that I have trouble interpreting social cues.
I think she’s in love with me.
Bro is hallucinating
Bro is hallucinating
If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on
I would be like… how did I get all these fucking nickels??
A man experiencing severe headaches goes to the doctor
He says."Doc, you've gotta help me. I've been getting these same headaches everyday and I don't know what to do". The doctor says "I experienced those same headaches too. Here's what I did: I went home and gave my wife oral sex. She would squeeze my head with her legs and this relieved the tension. Try it". Two weeks go by, and the doctor calls him up, asking how he feels. He says "Doc, you're a genius! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment. I feel like a new man! Oh, and by the way, you have a lovely home".
Today my son asked, “Can I have a book mark?”
I burst out laughing, 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
I gave marijuana to a cow
The steaks were high, but it was worth it
A programmer was leaving the house and his wife said “While you’re out, get some milk”
He never returned and the world ran out of milk.
Man “I hate the world and everyone in it. I have no patience for it. It’s starting to make me sick”. Wife: “what do you think about me?”
Man: "oh you mean the world to me, darling".
Grammar
The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.
I just yelled, “F, YOU GUYS!” at my students.
I love being a music teacher.