My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves…
Looks like the boa cons tricked her…
He was afraid of capitalism!
Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
Did you know SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus? Did you know “tuba” is also an acronym?
Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I’m disappointed.
A kid answered, called me a cunt then hung up.
We call ourselves Juan Direction
I took that shit to another level!
"Quick, pass me your bottle!" I told my son, grabbing my crotch. Bloody useless that boy. He just sat there crying in his car seat.
I guess we are raised differently…
A witch is waiting for me at home
So one day, I just packed up my bags and right.
But I didn’t believe him because he said it with a straight face
I see a lot of new faces here tonight, which is disappointing.
Mother Superior: "Sister Maria, if you walk through town at night, and you're accosted by a man with bad intentions, what would you do?" Sister Maria: "I would lift my habit, mother Superior." Mother Superior (shocked): "And what would you do next?" Sister Maria: "I would tell him to drop his pants." Mother Superior: (even more shocked) "And what then?" Sister Maria: "I would run away. I can run much faster with my habit up than he with his pants down."
Worst virus my college servers has every been exposed to. When you been an online college student and now all these other students are taking online classes and the college servers can not handle this coronavirus
Because everyone gets it
The bartender says to the rabbit, "What can I get ya, sir?" The rabbit says, " I have no idea. I'm only here because of Autocorrect."
I’m not buying it.
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, “Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one.”
The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband and my life. I just want to go home." Poof! The brunette gets her wish, and she is returned to her family. The redhead says, "I've also been stuck here for years, and I wish I could go home, too." Poof! The redhead gets her wish, and she is returned to her family. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?" The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."
They would call it crucifact.
He got plastic surgery.
A beautiful young woman spots him and decides to have a little fun with him. She goes up to him and asks,"When did you last have sex?" He replies saying,"1945" The woman feels bad for him and says,"Come with me and we'll have a great time" The marine goes with her and they have amazing sex At the end the woman says,"You know,you're in great shape since the last time you had sex was a long time ago" The marine replies saying,"Can't say it's been long,it was only half an hour ago"
Unfortunately, she blew it…
No one knows. But the road will have his vengeance.
… and a well known art critic is in attendance. The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?" "Yes, " says the artist. "It's worthless," says the critic The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, “Take Your Kid to Work Day.” As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her…
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
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Why does it have to be a group activity