My wife volunteers as a school crossing guard.

I was going to eat that later but it will only taste like a carrot now

"What the heck." He says to himself. "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy. "What’s the name of your willy?" The cowboy says. "Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a drink." "The gay waiter says. "I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' that guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.'" The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer. "Hey bud, what’s the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks. "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies. "‘Cause it takes a licking and keeps on ticking." A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the two fella’s on his right who just happens to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says….. "So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims. "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds. "Have you driven a Ford lately?" The guy next to him then says. "I call mine CHEVY Like a Rock!" And gives a wink! Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks. "Why Secret?" The cowboy says. "Because it’s ‘STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

He said I should try when it's icy on the roads.

…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?" The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat." The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers." Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?" "Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West.

Also, the police say on top of having to stay 100 feet away, I need to stop referring to her as my "girlfriend"

He responded, “can’t complain.”

You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets the credit.

Bot‌‌h go‌‌t drunk‌‌, starte‌‌d walkin‌‌g hom‌‌e an‌‌d ha‌‌d t‌‌o g‌‌o t‌‌o th‌‌e bathroom‌‌. The‌‌y stoppe‌‌d a‌‌t ‌‌a cemeter‌‌y bu‌‌t ha‌‌d nothin‌‌g t‌‌o wip‌‌e with‌‌. On‌‌e use‌‌d he‌‌r pantie‌‌s an‌‌d th‌‌e othe‌‌r grabbe‌‌d ‌‌a wreat‌‌h of‌‌f ‌‌a grave‌‌. Th‌‌e nex‌‌t morning‌‌, on‌‌e husban‌‌d call‌‌s th‌‌e othe‌‌r an‌‌d says, "N‌‌o mor‌‌e girls‌‌' nigh‌‌t out‌‌. M‌‌y wif‌‌e cam‌‌e bac‌‌k wit‌‌h n‌‌o panties." "Yo‌‌u thin‌‌k yo‌‌u hav‌‌e i‌‌t bad?‌‌", say‌‌s th‌‌e other‌‌, "Min‌‌e cam‌‌e bac‌‌k wit‌‌h ‌‌a car‌‌d stuc‌‌k i‌‌n he‌‌r crac‌‌k tha‌‌t rea‌‌d fro‌‌m al‌‌l o‌‌f u‌‌s a‌‌t th‌‌e fir‌‌e station..‌‌. w‌‌e wil‌‌l neve‌‌r forge‌‌t you."

An American, Irishman and Japanese man are sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly, something started beeping rapidly. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. He explained: that was my pager. I have a microchip installed in under my skin. A few minutes later, a telephone rang. The Japanese lifted his palm to his ear and answered. When he finished, he explained that he has a microchip installed in the palm of my hand. The Irishman, feeling very low tech, came up with a brilliant idea as to not be outdone. He left the sauna to go the bathroom, and came back with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse. The two men raise their eyebrows at him, and he says: “Will you look at that! I’m getting a fax.”

He is.

I was staring at her tits, and she said, "Could you please press one." So I did.

Wanna go ride bikes?

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven." Mary answers, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!" The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this. "Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

She said, "Oh the baby is mine, I get to keep it"

….I’m not sure how. I didn’t even know it was her birthday.

Now I’m afraid they’ll come back to repossess my house.

I’d probably only drive it from time to time…

I gave him a glass of water.

Riceless

Me : "Okay, so I would identify as a bisexual." Dad : "And that means you would have a male partner." Me : "Yeah." Dad : "Or a female partner." Me : "Yeah." Dad : "So… That means if you don't find a partner, you're on standbi?" ME : ME : ME : ME : "Son of a b…"

but it was actually just 'some bees'

we had sex

They stand before St. Peters at the pearly gates. St Peter asks the first nun: Have you ever touched a penis? The fist nun admit it: Yes, once, but only with the tip of my finger! St Peter then tell the nun: Ok, put your finger in that holy water, then I'll let you pass. He then asks the second: Have you ever touched a penis? The second one also adit: Yes, I masturbated a man once. St Peter seemed slightly disgusted, but then tells her to put her entire hand in the holy water before he allows her to pass. Sudenlly, the 4th nun goes crazy and yell: Please! Ask me that question before the nun in front of me!!!!! St Peter, confused, asks why. The 4th Nun replies: I really want to wash my mouth before she puts her ass in the holy water.

He refused to comment