My wife volunteers as a school crossing guard.
I tell everyone she’s into human trafficking.
What’s brown and not very heavy?
Light brown
Does anyone know if its possible to get a skin graft from my butt to a close acquaintance?
Arse skin for a friend.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
We should make it a rule not to post any jokes about the un-employed here
They just don't work
Put some desks and a blackboard in my living room today…
To make it more classy…
It seems like every Thanksgiving I end up eating leftovers for weeks afterwards…
Not this year though – I'm quitting cold turkey…
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump!
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over. -Emo Philips
Spot
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress. The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapes the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped. "SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet. Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one. "Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
Being ugly every day sucks.
Rolled my first joint last night.
God my ankle hurts this morning.
Some bloke just threw a glass of milk at me…
I thought, how dairy
I hate it when people ask where I see myself in 2 years
I don’t have 2020 vision for gods sakes quit asking me
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They’d all be a lot more comfortable
While blending home cooked baby food for my 5 month old this morning I turned to my wife and said,
“I’ve done it! I’ve accomplished whirled peas!”
They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility
If only they could see me now!
Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Inn by a local priest.
Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.
I stayed up all night trying to figure out why the sun disappears…
…then it dawned on me.
People who wear glasses must be excited for next year
It's the first time they'll see 2020
Me, at the hot dog stand: Can I get a jumbo sausage?
Hot dog guy: Sure. Won’t be long. Me: Yikes. In that case, can I have two?
[Introducing My girlfriend to my family]
Me: This is my girlfriend Janine Janine: Hi Wife: What the fuck
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."
Yesterday, I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person…
Today, I lost my job as a bus driver.
So Boris Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19…
Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician?
I walked in on my girlfriend in bed with her personal trainer
I told her this isn’t working out
After 150 days off flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded then to go forth and multiply.
After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about. "Why have you not multiplied?" he asked. To which the snakes responded, "we can't, we're adders." Noah being a quick thinker went off into the woods to fell some trees, and fastened them together into a platform. He then placed the snakes on the platform and lo and behold the snakes immediately laid a clutch of eggs Because you see, even adders can multiply on a log table
guys pray for my friend. He told me he only believed 12.5% of the bible…
he said he's an eighth theist
Never marry an archaeologist
They're always digging up the past.
I just spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do.
I bought a do it yourself book on Amazon.
I only got paper, bindings and glue in the mail
Watching American news lately fills me with overwhelming patriotism.
Because I'm Canadian.
I’ve never been good at scrapbooking…
…but I guess I can give it the ol' collage try.
I know the whole truth.
At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"
My wife says she is leaving me because I make geology puns all the time.
That's pretty sad considering that I loved her to the core.
I told a joke about Coronavirus and nobody laughed
Except that Chinese kid in the back. He got it.
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools, because we have class.
Which organ do you need to live?
The liver.
Hookers don’t fart
They let out little prosti-toots