My wife walked in on me
After my shower while I was blow drying my dick and balls and asked "What the hell are you doing?"
Apparently "heating up your dinner" was not the best answer.
3 dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. “First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner. “Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.” The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?” “Ah,” says the coroner, “this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning.” “Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector. “Thought he was having his picture taken.
Saw this on my way home from work. Must be a one shoed sex worker out there somewhere.
https://ift.tt/2PzOg8J
I used to work at a calendar factory
But I got fired for taking a couple of days off.
How do birds communicate?
They Tweet.
My family and I walked into the lobby and as we were checking in, I whispered to the desk clerk, “I hope the porn is disabled.”
The guy looked at me in shock and sputtered, "It's just regular porn, you sick perv!"
My friend once told me centrifugal force doesn’t exist.
He was clearly out of the loop.
What is the German word for constipation ?
Fahrfrahmpoopin
A warning to all.
Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas. Quite rightly, police are out checking on people. Last night I went our for a few drinks. Cocktails, then wine. (Not a good idea). However, knowing I was over the limit, I took the bus back home. We passed a police check point and I could see they were pulling over drivers and giving them breath tests. They waved the bus past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a surprise as I’d never driven a bus before and I’m not even sure where I got it from.
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children.
After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it is flat.
In the end, he came around.
My son, while gazing up at the sky, asked me how stars die
"Usually an overdose", I said
Taking my mother-in-law off her life support was one of the hardest things I’ve done.
I had to fight my wife, two doctors, and a nurse to finally do it.
They fired me from the calendar factory
I don't know why. I just took a few days off.
What’s the difference between Spanish and Dad Jokes?
In Spanish, you roll your R’s and in Dad Jokes you roll your Eyes
Dads are like Boomerangs
I hope
A drunk German is urinating on a bush
An American walks by, sees what the German is doing and says, "Gross!" The German says, "Danke!"
I love playing catch with my kids.
But after I dropped one we have to use a ball now.
I lost my mood ring…
I'm not sure how I feel about that at the moment.
Bert says to Ernie “Would you like some some icecream?”
Ernie replies "Sherbert."
“You look like a guy I dated once,” said this woman in a bar.
I said, "Oh…really?" She said, "Yeah. I didn't see him a second time because I thought he was ugly."
How do they make scissors at the factory?
With cutting edge technology.
My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.
Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.
Dyslexics untie!
No text found
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, “Its dark in here.” The man says, “Yes, it is.” Boy ~ “I have a baseball.” Man ~ “That’s nice.” Boy ~ “Want to buy it?” Man ~ “No, thanks.” Boy ~ “My dad’s outside.” Man ~ “OK, how much?” Boy ~ “$250? In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy ~ “Its dark in here.” Man ~ “Yes, it is.” Boy ~ “I have a baseball glove.” The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?” Boy ~ “$750? Man ~ “Fine.” A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.” The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.” The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?” Boy ~ “$1,000? The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.” They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, “Dark in here.” The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again.”
Today I took all my daughter’s dolls and lined them up by the window facing our grill
I was just preparing a Barbie Queue
How many volunteers do we have for my army ?
"385, my liege." "Okay, round them up." "400, my liege."
How do you measure the mass of a Red Hot Chili Pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
A guy walks into a library…
A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?" The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet." The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."
I invented a new word today
Plagiarism
My wife is nervous about having to talk to strangers on a cruise we are about to take.
I said, “Don’t worry. We are all in the same boat.”