My wife will not be happy…
While trying to avoid hitting a dog, I lost control of my car and landed in a ditch by the side of road. With some difficulty, as I crawled out of the ditch, a beautiful woman who had stopped her car and came to help me asked "Are you okay?"
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up.
She said, “Come, get in my car. I’ll take you to my place that is only few blocks away. You can clean up, and then I will examine to confirm that you are not hurt.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come on, I’m a Doctor," she insisted. "We need to see if you have any scrapes and treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very kind. I could not say no, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place and after cleaning up, she examining me to confirm that I do not have any major injury and then offered a drink. We had couple of drinks, but all along I was feeling guilty and finally told her, "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. I suppose, she must be at home, right?"
"Well, not really. She must be still in the ditch."
How did the Himalayan man jump higher than mount Everest?
Well, that's easy. Mountains can't jump.
I walked downstairs to find my daughter eating cereal in complete darkness
I asked her, "What kind of psycho eats cereal in the dark?" "A cereal killer" she replied. I have taught her well.
I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger what his favourite religious holday was. He said
"Have to love Easter, baby…."
Idk how/why I thought of this😂
Idk how/why I thought of this😂
I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.
It's my thirty-second birthday. Edit: Wow. Down voted on my actual 32nd birthday. So cruel.
Where do Squirrels go during Hurricanes?
It depends on which direction the wind is blowing.
Son: “Mom, Dad, I’m gay.”
Mom: Stares at Dad Dad: Clenches fist Mom: "Don't!" Dad: Sweats Profusely Mom: "…" Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"
What’s my blod type?
Typo
What do you call a farm when none of the cows give milk?
An udder disaster.
When do you go at red and stop at green?
When you’re eating a watermelon.
Why do Italians love soccer?
Because half way through, they get to switch sides.
I’m moving to Greenwich in a couple months.
Don't know what I'm going to do in the mean time…
I left a bunch of barbed wire and posts out the front of my house in suggestive poses
I hope nobody takes a fence.
I overheard someone saying that a truck carrying Scrabble games overturned on route.
At least that’s the word on the street.
I’ll never forget my Dad’s final words
"Son, toss me that hatchet"
Is this sub dead?
No one's posted here all decade… (Regards from New Zealand)
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice…
Didn’t really work though, I only got 20% off
Good romance starts with a good friendship. Bad romance on the other hand starts with
Ra Ra Ah Ah Ah Ro Ma Ro Ma Ma Ga Ga Ohh La La
Sad news….I lost my job as a stage designer,
I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.
Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal…
…until the pressure got to him.
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches?
…because then it would be a foot
My friend is obsessed with taking blurry pictures of himself while taking a shower.
He has serious selfie steam issues.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because of their antybodies
Insert joke here
Insert punchline here
Nine Months Later
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?" "Yes, I do." said Bob "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "She just died and left me everything."
“Why are you wearing a surgical mask?” I asked the barista.
She said, "It's not a mask. It's a coughy filter."
Yesterday I purchased a world map…gave my wife a dart and said to her “throw this and wherever it lands, I’m taking you for a holiday”.
Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
I have lots of Kenny Rogers jokes, but in light of his recent passing, I won’t tell them.
You gottta know when to hold 'em.