My wisdom will kill me one day
I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle, bought a bottle of whisky and put it in the bicycle basket
As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the whisky before I cycled home.
Finally, it turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.
Imagine what would have happened to the bottle!….
Edit => Wow , thanks for all the upvotes. However, I feel bad, as it is not my own joke
I just finished a documentary about frogs
It was absolutely ribbiting
Did you know you can tell the sex of an ant by floating it in water?
If it floats it's boy ant
I’m a big fan of whiteboards
I find them quite re-markable.
The blonde’s password
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento" When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
Did you know the population of Ireland is growing at a faster rate than any other country in the world?
It’s capital has been Dublin every year.
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed…..
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room…. "Why are you down here at this time of night!?" The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met." She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15," he said solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses……. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?" "I remember that, too" she replied softly… He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."
My grandfather was gravely ill and his doctor suggested coating his body with Crisco.
He went downhill really fast after that.
Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut.
Got my first date of 2020 already lined up
I mean, its a court date but its still a date and I am getting dressed up
I love going outdoors…
It's much safer than going outwindows.
Years ago, I had a job translating pre Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
I caught my son rubbing banana peels all over him. At first, I was worried. Then I realized it.
He was going to be all ripe.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face ?
Because it's the scenter
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up
A man’s fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him. Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked the monk replied "Religious reasons." The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?" "Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
I decided to kill off a few characters in the book im writing.
It's really gonna spice up the autobiography.
Damn girl are you a newspaper?
Because there's a new issue with you every fucking day.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
Did you hear about the scarecrow who got a promotion?
He was out standing in his field.
One day a woman had 100 children…
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
How do you cut the ocean in half?
A sea-saw…
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland
Well the flag is a big plus
A man gets “I love you” tattooed on his penis.
He goes home and tears his pants off, eager to show his girlfriend. She looks at him and shakes her head saying "there you go again trying to put words in my mouth".
I love taking my blind daughter out for a drive.
Every time I hit a speed bump, I tell her it was a dog.
In honor of Trump’s birthday, here’s a portrait of America’s last great president.
https://ift.tt/2XZEgJO
As I handed my Dad his 50th Birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
“You know, one would have been enough”
What do you call it when a pirate pees on people?
Arrrrrrrgh Kelly
I cut down a Christmas tree today. My daughter asked me if I was going to put it up myself.
I told her "No, I'm going to put it up in the living room."
