My work has just hired an Australian IT expert
He comes from a LAN down under
Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia.
Man: Wait. I can explain everything!
My daughter keeps pestering me to check her hair for lice
I think it’s just all in her head (I can’t believe it took me this long to find this subreddit, I love it! BTW first attempt at a dad joke!)
Milk is the fastest thing on Earth.
It's pasteurized before you know it.
Why do Native Americans hate April?
Because April showers bring May Flowers, and Mayflowers bring white people.
I broke two of my dads Queen records…
Now I want to break three.
Whenever someone asks me if I know how to use a(n) [INSERT MICROSOFT OFFICE PRODUCT]…
… I tell them, "Why yes, I Excel at it" and when they say, "Well, can you help me do this?" Me: "Word."
I finally got my dream job at the guillotine factory
I’ll beheading there shortly
I went to the store to get eight cans of sprite…
When I got home, I realised I’d only picked seven up.
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
I told my barista I didn’t think he should be wearing a face mask. ‘I’m not’, he said,…
'it's a coughy filter.'
I want to start a company that makes both coffins and condoms
The slogan would be:" We've got you covered whether you cuming or going"
Three friends bragged about who has more sex….
Friend A said "You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women" Friend B said "Oh yeah? Well I'm the top gynecologist doctor at the most highly rated hospitals in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I'm at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis. I have slept with well over 5,000 women." Friend C said, "I have you all beat. I fucked over all the Redditors who were expecting a punchline to this joke."
My son seemed really upset that he came in last at the Karate competition.
He was kicking himself.
A woman is having an affair while her husband is at work
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "It's dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." The boy says "I have a baseball." The man says "That's nice." Boy asks "Want to buy it?" Man replies "No, thanks." Boy says "My dad's outside." Man "okay, how much?" Boy "$250" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy "Its dark in here." Man "Yes, it is." Boy "I have a baseball glove." The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy "$750? Man "fine" A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy ~ "$1,000?" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost." "I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "It's dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that crap again."
The skip intro button on Netflix is so cool.
I wish tinder had it too.
Little Boy: Daddy I want to be like president Trump when i grow up!
Dad: "Well pick one son, you can't do both"
Last St. Patrick’s Day I went out drinking, had a bit too much so I took a bus home.
That may be no big deal to you, but I'd never driven a bus before.
Humans can atmost grow upto 8 feet
But usually most of them have 2
Why was the baby strawberry crying?
Because his mom and dad were in a jam
What type of music do windmills like?
I heard they're big metal fans.
In class we learned that last names were determined by what your ancestors did
So I always made sure I kept my distance from my teacher Mr Dickinson
A new pilot has his first day in a real cockpit and he asks the pilot…
"Wow, there's so many buttons and switches. How do you remember what they all do?" The captain replies, "I don't, but for the love of God don't touch the dusty ones."
The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision …
… I can't wait to see them all.
I asked Siri why I was still single
She turned on the front camera
Did you hear about the transgender vegan?
He was a herbefor
A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishmen
…are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals? "Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts." "I disagree," announces the Italian. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience." "I say it's art," decides the Frenchman. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to cry over a beautiful piece of art." All three now look towards the Englishman, expecting his answer. He takes a long sip of tea before answering, "The Channel".
I asked a midget for a dollar today….
He said "Sorry, I'm a little short"
What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line
Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.
Bad joke. Only three stars.
How many U.S. Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
Forty-five. A couple dozen to turn it to the right, a score of them to turn it to the left, and one to really, really screw it at the end.
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?…..
Same middle name.
My kids treat me like God.
They ignore my existence and only talk to me when they need something.
I don’t advertise my lip reading business…
It’s all word of mouth…
a communist joke isn‘t funny until every one gets it. …
No text found
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said
"I want you to try to sell this to me." So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home. Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!" I said "$200 and it's yours."
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A Doyouthinkhesaurus Rex
Just started learning Java and I’ve found this masterpiece of a movie trailer.
https://ift.tt/3etceN5
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
Driver: Officer, are you actually crying while writing my ticket?
Cop: It was a moving violation.
We all know the show was called Spongebob Squarepants
But the star was Patrick
I like my women like i like my toasters
Turned on and in the bath tub with me
Do you know what’s the difference between toilet paper and the shower curtain?
No? SO IT WAS YOU!!!
Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton…
Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a president under constant federal investigation from day one. Turned out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I have been stuck for years with a president under federal investigation from day one.