Nah!! not a huge fan
Why do tigers have stripes?
They don't want to be spotted.
It is hard to say what my wife does for a living.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
Why is 69 afraid of 70?
Because they once had a fight and 71. Sorry guys.
Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says … “I’m sleeping with the priest’s wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?”
The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass, Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to. Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest… "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied." The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Bob's shoulder and says… βYou better hurry home now, my wife died a year ago"
A little girl opens the door to find a priest with a collection tin.
βWhat can I do for you, Father?β βIβm collecting for the orphanage.β βJust a moment,β says the little girl, closing the door. The priest waits patiently, then suddenly hears first one gunshot, then another. The little girl returns to the door and says: βOK, you can take me now.β
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent.
I had an amazing chat with a dolphin earlier who I had just met.
We just clicked. I am sorry. So, so sorry…
I’m so sick of people saying stealing is wrong.
I just don't buy it.
A world without women….
It would be a pain in the ass
Did you hear about the janitor who quit drinking?
He cleaned up his act
LPT: If you commit 90 sins, you only get caught half the time.
sin 90 = cot 45
I am reading a book called βThe History of Lubricants.β
Itβs non-friction.
I think my boss just made me his sexual advisor
He said, "When I want your fucking advice, I'll ask for it" Hopefully there is a pay rise involved.
What do a midget and a dwarf have in common?
Very little.
A retired Marine is standing alone at a public occasion
A beautiful young woman spots him and decides to have a little fun with him. She goes up to him and asks,"When did you last have sex?" He replies saying,"1945" The woman feels bad for him and says,"Come with me and we'll have a great time" The marine goes with her and they have amazing sex At the end the woman says,"You know,you're in great shape since the last time you had sex was a long time ago" The marine replies saying,"Can't say it's been long,it was only half an hour ago"
What do you call an ostrich in debt?
An ostpoor.
I learned how to time-travel tomorrow.
At least, that's what I will hope.
A guy gets horny during his first week on a pirate ship…
So he goes up to the captain and asks "What do you guys use when you get horny?" The captain says: "There's a barrel over there with a hole in it; we use that". Guy: "Great when can I use it?" Captain: "You can use it any day of the week, except Tuesday". Guy: "Why not Tuesday?" The captain grinned and said: "Cause that's your day in the barrel."
After my sonβs team won the soccer game, the goalkeeper invited us to his house for a party.
It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.
I entered 10 jokes in a pun contest hoping at least one would win.
No pun in ten did.
Hi Reddit! My name is Joseph, and I am the son of Stephen King. AMA!
I would post proof, but it's obvious that I'm Joe King.
There are two reasons you shouldn’t drink toilet water
Number one, and number two
How do you grab the attention of a pervert?
An NSFW tag
To whoever stole my anti-depressants,
I hope you're happy now.
I went to the gym almost every day this week
I almost went on Monday, I almost went on Tuesday, I almost went on Wednesday, I almost went on Thursday, I almost went on Friday, I almost went on Saturday and I almost went on Sunday.
I was telling my friend there’s only one thing I get really scared of at Halloween.
"Which is?" he asked. "Exactly."
Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn't last long for fat people.