Nail those shingles
This sign at a restaurant me and my friends go to every weekend. Rip men.
Never take chidren seriously
They are always kidding.
(OC) How do you say goodnight to a tortilla chip?
Aloe me to introduce myself
They had a choice and they chose evil
I asked a gardener which herbs were snitches…
He said only thyme would tell.
Found this in some cereal
I heard my son’s first words today
"Dad where have you been?"
Why shouldn’t you ever iron a four leaf clover?
You don’t want to press your luck.
A lesbian mermaid is called an h2omosexual
No text found
I am literally just posting this here so someone can explain the joke to me
My Buddhist friend was stopped by a Christian
They asked if she would consider following the word of Jesus Christ. She replied, “no thanks, but maybe next time around.”
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said “yes, the others were at least eights or nines”
I asked Ryu if i could learn martial arts at his level yesterday
He said: “Suuuuureee YOU can!”
A blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going around and decided to dye her hair brown.
She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road. "Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?" The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. Out of the blue, she blurts out "352!" He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She picks out the cutest one. He looks at her and says "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"
haha html go
Does this count?
Boyfriend asks Girlfriend
B: "If I die, will you find a new boyfriend?" G: "NOOO! I'll never be with another guy, I'll rather go and stay with my sister! What would you do if I die?" B: "I would also stay with your sister"
I always wanted a job estimating crowd sizes.
I wonder how many people are in that field.
What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine…
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. “Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope.” The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. “Son I’m changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes.” The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He’s cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. “Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters.” The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. “Hey there,” says the recruit. “is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven’t kept one position for more than 15 minutes!” The crewman says “Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts.”
[Video] The Unemployed Software Developer
Man sits at a bar and orders five shots…
the bartender asks the guy, "What's up bud? You look rough." "Well," says the man, "I just found out my dad is gay and he's left my mom for some pool boy." "Ouch," says the bartender, "here, these are on the house today." A few days later the same guy comes in and orders another five shots. "Oh no man, what happened this time?" The bartender asks. "Just found out my brother is gay, he's left his wife for a man he met at a gay bar last week." "I'm sorry man," the bartender says, "these are on the house." Just one week later the guy comes in again and orders ten shots. The bartender asks, "Man! Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The guy responds, "Yeah…my wife."
The truth is out there…
My toe sis
Daylight Saving Time. How is this still a thing?
“Pretty great thanks, how’s everything with you?”
I’m sure Christ is very proud
I went to a premature ejaculator’s support group today.
Turns out I came early.
A man died and was waiting in line to get into Heaven.
He was third in line, and overheard St. Peter talking to the other souls. "What were you in life?" St. Peter asked of one man. "I was a personal injury lawyer," came the reply. "Well, come with me," said St. Peter. "I will show you to your quarters." And St. Peter led the man to a sumptuous palace, more glorious than anything on earth. St. Peter returned to the line, and asked the next man what he did in life. The man replied, "In life, I was Pope John Paul II." St. Peter said, "Let me show you to your quarters," and led the Pontiff to a tiny shack made of the crudest materials imaginable. When St. Peter returned to the line, the man started shouting. "That isn't fair! That was the Pope, and you put him in a terrible house, while some nobody of a lawyer gets the finest palace imaginable! This just doesn't seem right." St. Peter shrugged his shoulders. "What can I say? We've got hundreds of popes up here. It's the first lawyer we've ever had."
I gave all of my dead batteries away today,
free of charge.
What does 6.9 mean?
Just another good thing ruined by period.
Haha wife bad
Driver: Officer, are you actually crying while writing my ticket?
Cop: It was a moving violation.
My marriage just ended because I didn’t open the door for my wife.
I swam for the surface instead
Trump press conference decoder:
Roommate: If you keep stealing all my kitchen utensils than I’m moving out!
Me: That's a whisk I'm willing to take.
With relationships, they say there’s plenty of fish in the sea…
But I'm just stuck here holding my rod
I recently found out the medical name for Viagra
Millennials are killing the church
Where were the first French fries made?
Why do riot police get to work early?
To beat the crowd.
Courtesy of the family groupchat
An animal lover, a zoophile, a sadist, a necrophile, a pyromaniac and a masochist are talking. Animal lover: We should get a dog! Zoophile: and fuck him Sadist: and torture him Pyromaniac: and set him one fire Necrophile: and fuck the corpse Masochist: woof
If that fucker Trump gets re-elected, I’m going to Mexico
but not by choice though
Education bad, being in debt good
Can’t wait to watch the last one
Wife shop too much. Wife bad.
If you know, you know.
Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is?
In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.
Programmers when they hear about a meeting to discuss change of requirements
My wife said I had no sense of direction…
So I packed my bag and right
Now that’s pretty correct
I’m sorry babe, I don’t accept your ppo plan
404 Not found
Me too bro. Me too.
Haunted French Pancakes…
….really give me the crêpes.
I’ve never met him before
A Texan and a Mexican walk into a bar and order a beer
Bartender to the the Texan: That will be $5 Bartender to the Mexican: That will be $3 The Texan, upset, asks why the same beer cost less for the Mexican The Bartender replies, "Señor Discount"