'What time is it?' 'Dunno, pass me that trombone and I'll find out.' Blows trombone loudly Someone shouts: 'WHOS THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM!!?'
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My dad says we shouldn’t reward people with ribbons after participating. It is like they are being rewarded for losing.
So i took down his confederate flag.
What a shit way to start a game of Scrabble.
But it was the Romans who thought of adding women.
The bartender says "is pepsi okay?" and the man agrees. The bartender comes back with a drink and says "here's your pepsi and coke, that'll be $11.50"
Because theyre not self-centered.
Now I know why people call you handsome
Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop
Being selfless, I wished for world peace, reduce pollution and less traffic. … Should’ve read the terms and conditions. My bad.
I was grocery shopping with my wife and she was picking up holiday hand soap. She asked me which ones I liked. I grabbed two different ones off the shelf and said "let me give you my two scents"
"What if we had sex?" asks Steve. "Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it…" "Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!" Steve stands up and asks loudly: "Could I have a pencil, please?" Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. "They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bill. So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth. "Sir, you should've asked for a bag!" "I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass…"
Apparently, Shatner panties wasn’t the best choice for a name.
But you didn't like it.
Because you’ll get jurasskicked.
Because they have their own scales.
… now get ready for Times New Ramen
…and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. The priest replies, “Go ahead, my child.” “Well”, she says, “Last night I made love to me boyfriend… FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein’ the stars in my passion. And, I think I may have wailed like a banshee. More than once. And me legs was all wibbly wobbly, even the next mornin’. But, I know that makin’ love to me boyfriend before marriage is a sin, and I’ve come seekin’ absolution. The priest sits back, rubs his forehead, and looks at the young lass and says, “Right. What I need for you to do is go down to Mr. O’Malley’s market and get four good sized lemons. Go home, cut them in half, and squeeze the juice into a nice tall glass and drink in down straight away.” The girl looks at the priest with a confused look and asks, “ Will that absolve me of me sin, Father?” “NO, but it’ll wipe the smile off yer face!”
Police Officer: Name? German: Heinrich Klimt Police officer: Age? German: 32 Police Officer: Occupation? German: No, no. Just visiting.
Its called a microwave
They grab a table and sit down, so the bra says it'll get the first round. It goes up to the bartender and says "3 beers please mate" Bartender replies "no way, you're off your tits and your mates are going to start something"
but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
She gave him the cold shoulder.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot!”
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, " Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."
Please come quickly.
Or we'd all be sorry