Naming your kid Eugene jr. would be one of the best dad jokes.
I think they're intoxicating people.
Three engineers are having lunch and discussing what kind of engineer God is. The mechanical engineer says, "God must be a mechanical engineer, look at the complex network of levers that make the body move" The electrical engineer says, "No, look at the electrical processes of the body, which the brain could not operate without, he must be an electrical engineer." The civil engineer says, "You're both wrong, he must be a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste line through a recreational area?"
For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow. It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind. Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl. As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned. As we walked away I asked, "Why did they tell us to kiss and not the priest?" My wife answered, "In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"
It's not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Because they're all Targets.
It was our first midwife crisis.
On top of it, I’m also banned from the maternity ward.
So now we call him Dav
But so far I've made 3 vases and a jug.
I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig." “Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to see a man crying.” "This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man … and then my dog bit me." "So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in it and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But, hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"
Skele tons! Stay spooky my dudes
It becomes a laughing stock
The bartender asks “Don’t you mean a martini?” In response the Roman says “If I wanted a double I’d have asked for it!”
Cop approaches the drivers door. "Is there a problem, Officer?" Cop says, "Ma'am, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?" The woman responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one." "You don't have one?" and she responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving." Cop is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?" "I'm sorry, I can't do that." cop asks, "Why not?" "I stole this car." Cop says, "Stole it?" And she says, "Yes, and I killed the owner." At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?" "he is in the trunk if you want to see." Cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun. The senior officer says, "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The blonde steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?" "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner." "Murdered the owner?" She asks. The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?" Woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but spare tire and tools. The officer says, "Is this your car Ma'am?" and she answers, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers. The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence." Then woman digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, Ma'am. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner." Woman then replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you this was a repost, too!"
He seems confused as to why my car would dress like that.
He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldn’t bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldn’t play. One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus. The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right up and began play. There was no doubt that the octopus was an excellent guitar player. The man paid his handler $50 and sat down. Another man brought a saxophone to the octopus. The octopus took it and stared for a bit. After a minute or two the octopus began playing a deep and soulful jazz solo. This man paid his $50 and sat down. The bartender went into the back and brought out a set of bag pipes. The bartender said, “I’ll bet $100 that the octopus can’t play these bagpipes.” The man agreed and handed them to the octopus. The octopus sat there eying the bagpipes up and down for quite awhile. The handler began to get nervous so he said to the octopus, “Hurry up and start playing the thing” The octopus replied, “Play it? After I figure out how to get the pajamas off her I’m gonna screw it”
"Will you mirror me?" She was speechless.
A Rogue will pick the lock. A Monk will just use their Ki.
Well, it's 2:30 now and she hasn't walked at all
I WANT SAMOA!!
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
Their jobs are taxing.
It's always been so supportive.
I can’t believe it’s been more than a hundred years since Einstein proposed his Theory of Relativity.
It feels like only yesterday.
Because 7 ate(8) 9. But why did 7 eat 9? Because you have to eat 3 squared meals a day.
She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Some weeks later, she invited him and her daughter over for dinner and in an attempt to impress his mother-in-law, the son-in-law wore one of the ties she’d sent him. The meal was extremely tense and uncomfortable with the mother-in-law maintaining a stony silence. Finally she spoke, “Alright then, what was wrong with the other tie?”
Their bark 😎
It was some pretty good footage
So I'm off to the paint store since everyone seems to get thinner here.