NASCAR with the third degree burn
How do you ask an Austrialian for nudes?
sapnu puas
After hearing me sing for the first time, my music teacher told me I should be tenor.
Ten or twelve feet away from all musical instruments at all times.
A limbo champion walked into a bar.
He was disqualified.
How do you measure a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh, now.
It’s “live free or die”, not “live free or get everyone else killed by a pandemic”.
https://ift.tt/3dPzkNv
Donald trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
Donald trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there each being worked on by a different barber not a word was spoken the barbers were even afraid to start a conversation for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves the one who had trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. Trump was quick to stop him saying 'no way buddy my wife will smell that and think I’ve been in a damn whorehouse. The second barber turned to Obama and said, 'how about you?' Obama replied 'go ahead my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.’
The craziest thing happened at a bar tonight. A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me!
On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.
Feeling a need for change, I got a new lamp
Really helped me see things in a different light
Don’t belittle kids.
Be tall, it's much better.
Grandma took my weed so I took her wheelchair.
Neither of us is rolling.
“Congratulations to drugs, who for another year in a row, has won the war on drugs”
https://ift.tt/35dOdVi
As a doctor, I never make jokes about an unvaccinated child.
But I’m planning to give it a shot.
What’s the difference between COVID and a Karen?
One's a contagion, the other's a cunt aging.
I just read that alligators can grow up to 15 feet..
I haven’t seen any with more than 4.
Why can’t you run through a camp ground?
You can only ran, because it's past tents.
WHAT I IF TOLD YOU…
That you read the first bit wrong.
Why isn’t the submarine doing well in school.
He's below c-level
I’ve been involved in a number of integrations, both as a leader and a follower
https://ift.tt/2SXWCb8
How do you feed 1000 people with one loaf of bread?
You cut the ends and now you have endless bread. Courtesy of my 12 year old daughter.
I have a pencil that was owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot.
I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.
Everyone keeps making fun of me because I don’t know what the word “apocalypse” means
Honestly, I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s not the end of the world.
what’s hilarious is that most people think we dont need to bring back the guillotine. ha.
https://ift.tt/2DqU4KM
What gender is google?
Female, she doesn’t let you finish your sentence before suggesting something.
I turned 18 today, and to celebrate I bought a locket and put my own picture in it…
I guess I really am independent!
My son asked me where pooh came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
A little perplexed he stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and then asked, “and tigger?”
What is the opposite of adulting?
Just kidding!
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Well this isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 1 minute all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
Did you hear about the sour grape?
All he did was wine
Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!
Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease that I have ever seen.
why do ducks wear pants?
so you don't see their butt-quack!
Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall.
As he turned and sneered at me, I thought, "that's a little condescending."
Did you hear about the female rapper who only rapped when she was on her period?
They say she had a mean flow.
My wife just left me
because of my insecurities. Wait, she's back. Just went out to pick the mail.
