Nasty but smart
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city.
He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out. The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him. The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!” The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”
Are you the enemy of my enemy?
Asking for a friend.
I was watching Jurassic park the other day…..
…. when I thought "not only does my son have a really stupid name, he´s also a terrible driver"
How many EA employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
[Unlock the punchline now for just 7.99!]
I was fired from my last job because they searched my desk and found coke
But who wants to work at Pepsi Co anyways
Why did the crab cross the road?
He didn't. He used the sidewalk.
Two Pretzels Were Walking Down The Road
One got a-salted.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Genie: you have three wishes
me: make math go away Genie: ok, that one's on the house me: yay, so I still get three wishes? Genie: huh?
Brave Knight Edward is going to crusade
He doesn't know if he will ever come back or not. So, he puts on an iron chastity belt on his wife, gives the key to his best friend Micheal and says, "If I don't come back in 3 years, set her free". Michael agrees and brave Knight Edward sets out on his big black horse. He gallops toward the hills, knowing he may be leaving his beloved city forever. When on top of the hills, he looks back, just to have one last look at his beloved city. To his surprise he sees a big cloud of dust coming towards him. He waits and soon can make out the shapes of a horseman coming toward him as fast as the poor animal can manage. When the horseman is closer, he can finally see it is none other than his best friend Micheal. Michael stops his horse, still panting "you gave me the wrong keys".
There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
Only a fraction of people know this
I was just on the toilet having my morning movement. My wife walked up and said she was proud of me
"You're not holding on to last year's shit" My wife beat me to the first dad joke of the year. Damnit
Why did Cinderella get kicked off her soccer team?
Because she kept running away from the ball.
My Grandma was talking about the good old days and said “in my day we could leave the door unlocked and not worry about it!” and “we grew up with nothing but we were happy”…
I replied “Well Grandma, I hate to break it to you, but you grew up with nothing because you kept leaving the front door unlocked!”
My dad is addicted to ladders
He uses them to get high.
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich have horses.
Oh how the stables have turned.
My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
I’m on my way
My wife is 37 weeks pregnant and is scheduled to be induced this morning. She woke up last night just after midnight (I checked) to use the washroom and when she got back into bed I asked her if it was after 12 yet. She said she thought so and asked why. I told her I wanted to be the first to wish her a Happy Birth Day! She appropriately groaned then giggled, so I think I'm ready. Wish me luck!
What is yellow, but tastes like red paint
Yellow paint
I HAD A DREAM LAST NIGHT THAT I KNIGHTED AN ELECTRIC FISH…..
IT WAS SIR EEL
Im so bored sitting at home that I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
I’ll name my child $2y$10$ugTh9EyUvedMTndo0PvF4.YKZaHX6OsMirqjR6ApgASNPrRikwBGS
https://ift.tt/2WcbTYa
Paratroopers from England, Scotland, France and the US were on a plane…
During World War II, four paratroopers each from England, Scotland, France and the US, were on a plane about to jump when they realized there was only one serviceable parachute. The French paratrooper downed a glass of cognac, said "Pour la France!" and jumped without the parachute. The American downed a glass of bourbon, said "For freedom!" and jumped without the parachute. The Scotsman downed a glass of whiskey, said "For Scotland!" and threw the Englishman.
Just lost my job as a zookeeper
In my defence there were signs everywhere saying "please don't feed the animals"
My ex called me angrily and said, “Are you fucking stupid?”
I said, “No. I used to, but we broke up, remember?”
A teacher says to her class one day, “Whoever answers my next question, can go home.”
A boy throws his bag out the window. The teacher asks, “Who just threw that?” The boy says, “Me! I’m going home now.”
Whats the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with tits?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
What do you call fake potatoes?
Imitaters
This asparagus is just…
a spear, I guess.
What do you call new innovations in knife technology?
Cutting edge tech
I had some delicious honey on my toast this morning.
Later as I walked past the hive where it came from I said "Thank you bees for making the best honey in the world." A few shouted back "It's good but we wouldn't say it was the best honey in the world." Oh I thought, they must be humble bees.
