Nasty question, Kevin
Dad fell through a shop window.
Now he's in pane.
Why don’t aliens come to our solar system?
They checked our ratings. One star.
Man: Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!
What do you call an instagram celeb who got Corona?
An influenzer.
Why did the sculpter evacuate his house?
He had a mold problem
I really enjoy telling Dad Jokes
Sometimes he laughs.
Ikea failed miserably at processed meat products business
Someone ordered meatballs and Ikea sends them a cow with DIY instructions
I remember exactly where I was when I heard the news that JFK was shot.
7th grade World history class.
What rock group has four guys that don’t sing?
Mt. Rushmore.
Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly, and poor.
My wife told me I had a small penis, so I said it was big enough to hurt her.
“There isn’t a woman in the world that would be hurt by that thing,” she said. I then showed her a video of me fucking her sister.
A Sheep, Drum, and Snake fall off a cliff.
Ba Dum Tss
What’s the difference between Donald Trump and a worm?
One of them is a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought, the other one actually shows up when it rains.
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic
It’s syncing now
“When am I ever gonna use this?” Asked the student to the algebra teacher
"Well you won't, but one of the smart kids might" he replied cheerfully
My partner is learning about male genitalia and vasectomies
I told her there's a vas deferens between male and female genitalia
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio
In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio. Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States. “Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked. His father pointed at a map towards North America. “Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be,” he questioned his father. The man pointed towards the Soviet Union. “And I’m told we’re also at war with the British Empire. Where is that?” The father pointed out all of the territories owned by the British. “Where is Germany again, Father?” He pointed to their home country in Central Europe. Hans pondered this information for a second. “One last question, Father.” “Yes?” “Has Hitler seen this map?”
Due to the quarantine…
I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
If I poured root beer into a square glass,
would I just have beer?
What do Game of Thrones and The Sixth Sense have in common?
Icey dead people
I told the wife I could make a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta
I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs we dig, they dig.
It's not a long poem, but it's deep.
My dad once told me that jacking off too much can make you go blind
Then I said "Dad, I'm over here."
The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven
St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is. The Pope: "I am the pope." St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book." The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth." St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me …" The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church …" St. Peter: "The Catholic church … Never heard of it … Wait, I'll check with the boss." St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God. St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth." God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of … Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus) Jesus: "Yes Dad, what's up?" God and St. Peter explain the situation. Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow." Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing. Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"
A year ago when I joined Reddit I threw a boomerang to celebrate
I now live in constant fear
Why do cemeteries have walls and fences around them?
Because people are dying to get in! (My dad told me this one when we drove past a cemetery one day lol)
A Muslim man came to the USA many years ago.
He found love, got married and had a son. The son eventually graduated University, found a wife, got married and moved away for job reasons. Unfortunately, one day the old man's wife passes away, leaving him alone in his house with a huge garden. After a lot of grief, the man has the idea of bringing the garden to new life. However, not being young anymore, it seems like an impossible task for him alone. He writes to his son: "My dear son, after your mother's death, I am finally ready to move on. I'd like to bring our old garden to new life. Unfortunately, the task seems to be too much for an old man like me. I know you're busy with work and family, but maybe you could help me with digging over the old patches. This would help a lot. Love, your father." Some time later he receives a short message from his son: "Father. Please keep away from the patches. It's where I hid the 'Thing'. Your son." The next morning, combined forces of FBI, NSA and HS invade the property and the neighborhood. They start questioning everyone and search the man's garden inch after inch, soil layer after soil layer. In the evening, they still haven't found anything and finally give up. The man receives another message from his son: "Dear Father, I'm glad that you want to move on after Mom's death. Work and family prevent me from visiting you right now, but after the recent visit of the authorities your garden should be dug over and ready for renewal. That's the best I could do at the moment. Love, your son."
I’m pretty bad at building fences..
Oops, wrong place for this post
I started to let Jesus take the wheel, but then I remembered…
that motherfucker ain’t afraid to die.
if 666 is all evil
then 25.8069758 is the root of all evil
Many people think the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden was an apple or fig, but many scholars now think it was, surprisingly, a mango.
For God said to Adam on that infamous day: "Now that you have partaken of the fruit, Man, GO!"
My wife has evil lessons with Satan every week.
I don’t know how much she charges,
How do you tell the difference between someone from Dubai and someone from Abu Dhabi?
People from Dubai don't like the Flintstones. People from Abu Dhabi do.
Today I stepped on a hipster‘s foot
Now he is a hopster
America’s almost finished switching to the metric system.
But they've got miles to go.
When you forget how to stand in your flesh disguise and an Earthling gets suspicious.
https://ift.tt/2Su1Knj