Nasty question, Kevin
What’s Gordon Ramsay’s favourite Disney movie?
It’s fucking Frozen
I always lie behind my wife’s back and I hate it…
I want to be the little spoon too sometimes.
What’s the opposite of isolate?
You so early
When you wanted to be the princess but instead you’re the villian of her fairytale
https://ift.tt/2Wlpmgm
What do you call an octopus with 4 hearts?
An octopus with 1 extra heart. (It’s a learning joke 😁)
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
If anyone needs a tip on where to store leftover Halloween candy…
I’ve got a few Twix up my sleeve.
When I was a kid, I thought I had a Chinese friend
but turn out, it was nothing more than just my imagine asian.
I never understood why people are surprised to hear Elvis died on the toilet.
Historically it's rare for a King to leave the throne alive.
My neighbor got busted for growing weed…
Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought
My friend keeps saying, “If I wasn’t making drinks, I would be in jail.”
Currently he’s behind bars .
I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.
Zero fucks were given.
I never believed the chiropractors actually worked
But now I stand corrected
What do you call a person with one arm and no legs ?
By their name. Don’t be a dick.
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world,
but it’s definitely up there.
Trump educates himself about the subject before talking about it
…. Thats the whole joke
All these shelter in place protests, the signs all say the same thing…oh Karen….
https://ift.tt/2yrl65k
Did you hear about the guy who was obsessed with buying condos?
He had an apartment complex.
I saw a stolen BMW today. I decided to call the police.
“Yes officer, I’ve just seen a stolen vehicle out here on the highway, westbound” “With all due respect, civilian, there are hundreds, thousands of vehicles out there, it is incredibly difficult to spot a stolen vehicle if you don’t have the training for it. Did you see a smashed window or something?” “Well no, you see, I was just driving along, and I got cutoff by this BMW…” “Okay yeah, so you are definitely wasting my time here. There is absolutely nothing even remotely suspicious about this, at all. I drive a marked squad car, that’s with the lights and everything, they just don’t care. I get cutoff by asshole beamer drivers every single day. I can’t even be bothered to pull them over, I would never get anything else done.” “Yeah, I know, I wasn’t all that surprised either at first. I mean, I saw the BMW cruising up pretty fast in my side mirror so I was expecting it, and then the driver flipped on the turn signal, and…” “On my way!”
I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people
But none of them work.
Studies say obesity is the main cause of erectile dysfunction
Time to get joggin’ ladies
I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless person on the street.
He told me to fuck off and buy my own.
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo!!!!!!!!!!
Sometimes I wonder what my parents did for fun before the internet.
I asked my 32 brothers and sisters, but they didn't know either.
Why don’t vegetarians moan during sex?
They don’t want to admit that a piece a meat makes them happy
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
How do you keep an idiot busy for hours?
Click here to find out!
I think I’m done buying trash bags.
I always end up throwing them away anyways.
I asked my Chinese friend what it’s like living in China
He says he can't complain.
This is the time of the year when I get really annoyed when everyone writes “X” instead of “Christ.”
I calm myself down by playing my Christ Box 360.
I saw a woman crying in the supermarket
So I stopped and asked what had happened. Through the sobs, said said that she was due to go on holiday, but all the money she had been saving for months was gone. Feeling sorry for her, I decided to give her £50 to try and help a bit. It's not something I'd normally do, but I just found £2,000 in the car park
Sometimes it is better to just walk away from things and go back to them later when you’re in a better frame of mind.
While it's true, that's how I lost my job as a surgeon.
The mystery of childbirth.
A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, “How was I born?”His mother awkwardly answers, “The stork brought you.”“Oh,” says the boy. “Well, how were you and Daddy born?”“Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma.”The boy begins his paper, “This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.”
A DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday.
“We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.” I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there. You won’t like it.” Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I please, how I please! You have no authority when it comes to telling me where the fuck I can go! Have I made myself clear, boy?!” I politely nodded and went back about my business. A short time after, I heard a scream, looked up to see the DEA agent being chased by my big old mean bull. Every step, gaining, closing the gap between himself and the agent. It seemed as tho he would surely get gored before returning to safety. The officer was clearly terrified. I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and screamed at the top of my lungs…. “YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR FUCKIN BADGE!!”
