Now normally I would say he’s all right. But actually he’s dead.
The boy says, "Me ma is dead." "Oh bejaysus," the man replies. "Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?" The boys says, "No tanks mister. Sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment."
I learned next to nothing.
He takes the art out of rap artist
The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed. "What's that gong for?" the friend asks him. "It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock." "How does it work?" The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you asshole…it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"
Well I’m not gonna spread it!
2B or not 2B
Amazingly, there was no congestion for 8 hours.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.
My son's shitty drawing of a snake
The former is a latter and the latter is a former.
No, wait, she's back – she was just making lunch.
A man begins to deposit a ridiculous amount of money into his bank. Out of nowhere. Someone takes notice, and after a long and complicated series of accusations and charges the man winds up going to court. He shows up with his defense attorney. The judge asks him bluntly “Sir, how did you come into possession of this money?” The man responds “I am the world’s greatest gambler, and I can prove it.” “Is that so?” The judge asks incredulously “Here, I’ll show you… I bet you $1000 that I can bite my own eye.” “Okay, go for it.” The man removes his glass eye and bites it. The judge is dejected, as he just lost $1000. Still, he’s not sold. “That’s a good trick, but I’m not sure that makes you the world’s greatest gambler.” “Alright… Double or nothing. I can bite my other eye.” The judge reads the man’s face, and can clearly see that he’s not blind. He takes the offer… The man then removes his dentures and presses them down on his other eye. At this point, the judge is torn. The man is an excellent scam artist, without a doubt, but he doesn’t know if that’s enough for him to clear his charges. Plus, he just lost $2000 to him. The judge sits quietly for a moment. The man speaks up again “How about double or nothing again? I bet you that I can do a handstand on one side of your desk and pee into the wastebasket on the other side.” Obviously, this is wildly inappropriate behavior for a courtroom… But we’re talking about $2000. The judge looks back and forth across his desk a couple times, and decides there’s no way he could possibly pull this off. He agrees. So, the man walks up, does a handstand on his desk, and attempts to pee across the desk into the wastebasket. He doesn’t even come close to making it. The judge exclaims “Yes!” The man’s lawyer shouts “No!” And covers his face with his hands. The judge asks “Wait, what’s wrong?” The lawyer says “He bet me $10,000 he could come in here and pee all over your desk and you’d be happy about it.”
I’ll be right back
One says: "look out for that cactus!" The other replies: "what cactusssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss?"
I asked if it was that good, his smile faded and he looked me dead in the eye as he said no, its fucking close to water. He poured it down the drain without losing focus and walked out of the kitchen
The soldier responds, “No, sir. I came here yester-die!”
He's feeling much better now
I want the best bang for my buck
He walks up to the front desk and introduces himself. "Hello, I identify as a chocolate bar. Can I join?" The receptionist replies "Sir, that's disgraceful! You're mocking the community. We're going to have to ask you to leave." "You can't call me sir!" The man exclaims. "I use her/shey pronouns."
Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads. -Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though. One of the people takes a step forward and speaks, seemingly troubled. -Benevolent Buddha, what more could I possibly do in my next life? I thought I lived and acted to the fullest. Because of my work almost the entirety of the earth's population will never starve. -My work was also to the extend of my abilities, says the 2nd one. Right now, the world I leave behind enters a revolutionary era were medicines can cure anything, such was my contribution. -My connections in life pushed all countries into an agreement of indefinite world peace, says the 3rd person. -I know all of your actions well. But that is still not enough. Here, let me show you a true example of someone who achieved everything that I ask for. They are waiting for the perfect reincarnation. The three people now both curious and excited follow Buddha to a small building. Their jaws drop when they find just an ordinary person inside. So ordinary that not even a small detail on that person sparks the tiniest interest. Before the Buddha can say anything else they all rush towards him. -Impossible, yells the 1st person! Such a plain human being! You! What was your work during your earthly life? -Who? M-me? I only had two part time jobs, nothing else that I can remember. During the morning hours I worked in a small plantation. Fruits and vegetables. -You're joking! shouts the 2nd person. And the second job? -Oh…that one was a bit odd. My village had a signboard were people would post their ads, job offers etc. But because the signboard was old, those would sometimes come off. My job was to put them back in their place. -This is preposterous, yells the 3rd person! How could you possibly have amassed such an amount of karma with just those two insignificant jobs of yours? -W-well, I don't know what to tell you. But I've really done nothing else, just farming and reposting.
I saw a radio the other day on sale for $1. It had a note stuck on it saying, “Volume stuck on full”
I though, “I can’t turn that down”
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo!!!!!!!!!!
And says, "I hate to ruin you day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery are enough". "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand each other any longer," the old man said. "We are are sick and tired of each other, and I am sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her." He hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck, they're not going to divorce!" she shouts. "I'II take care of this". She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I am calling my brother and we'll both be there tomorrow morning. Until then don't do anything. DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up. The old man hangs up the phone and turn to his wife. "Okay," he says, "this year they are coming for Thanksgiving and are paying their own way.”
The pupils. They dilate
I have a Czech one, too. One too.
What do you call a crappy lawyer? An a-turd-ney