Nature
Why do my jokes never land?
They go too far above your head.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently…
…by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy…
A century ago, two brothers claimed it was possible to fly
They were Wright
I feel like I have no control over my body
Everything I eat goes to shit
I’ve already heard like seven cancer puns today…
If I hear tumor, it's gonna benign
Knock Knock!
Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes Sean Connery.
What’s the best thing to put on a hot dog?
Water, to cool him down.
My 8 year old cousin: ” Why did the chicken cross the road?”
8yo cousin: To get to the idiot's house. Me (patronizingly): Oh..uh..yeah good one haha. 8yo cousin: Wanna hear another one? Knock knock Me: Who's there 8yo: The chicken.
When it comes to nudist contests…
I barely qualify.
It’s a great time to be an ER doctor.
Business is really surgeon.
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll
After I broke my arm, my buddy wrote down all of my homework assignments on my elbow cast.
It really classed up the joint.
Why should you never fight a dinosaur?
Because you’ll get jurasskicked.
Me: Can I have a turn in the hedge now?
Hedgehog: No
I have a perfect memory.
I honestly can’t remember a single time I’ve ever forgotten anything.
An old man lived alone. His only son was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son.
Dear Son, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison. Love, Dad Shortly, the old man received this telegram: ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dad, don’t dig up the plot. That’s where I buried the GUNS!!’ At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what had happened, and asked him what to do next. His son’s reply: ‘Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It’s the best I could do for you, from here.’
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me. I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."
Why did the scarecrow get an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
Chocolate pie costs $1 in Jamaica and $1.25 in Aruba
Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean
How Long Is A Chinese Name
No, seriously, it is.
Grammar
The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.
NSFW What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One is a Goodyear, one is a great year.
Every time I get a new girlfriend, I measure how far she can open her legs
I keep all the results on a spreadsheet
NSFW Ive never killed a mountain lion with my bare hands.
But ive choked a few cougars.
A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and asks the barman….
“Can I have a drink for me and one for the road”
Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.
Jesus asks for a table for 26. The head waiter says, “But there’s only 13 of you.” Jesus says, “Yeah, but we’re all going to sit on the same side.”
Wife: “I have blisters on my hands from the broom”.
Husband: "Take the car next time, silly!"
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrodinger’s cat…
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.