Need help for a marathon sign for my GF
I threw my iPhone into a lake the other day and…
…it’s still syncing.
The American healthcare system is as perfect as Trump’s call with the Ukrainian President
https://ift.tt/2Cdw3Go
What do you call 5 fish cut in half?
Tuna half.
When I was a kid my dad use to always beat me with a camera
I still have flashbacks!
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station The other is a busty crustacean
Math is like a box of chocolates
It's better to use your fingers
I named my overweight cat Kelvin
Because he is an absolute unit.
I’m deathly afraid of elevators.
I take a lot of steps to avoid them.
In the Israeli government who has the most power?
The Jewdiciary branch
Everyone keeps telling me I’m the worst mailman they have ever seen…
Sorry! I meant to post this somewhere else…
A man answers the door and sees two police officers standing there.
Officer: I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been in a horrible car accident Husband: But she has a great personality.
I got thrown out of DisneyWorld for spreading my dead mother’s remains around the park. It was her dying wish.
The security guards said I probably should have cremated her first.
Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily my injury’s were only super fish oil.
I don’t tell dad jokes often
but when I do, he laughs
I told my barista I didn’t think he should be wearing a face mask. ‘I’m not’, he said,…
'it's a coughy filter.'
What do you call a kinky dinosaur?
A Doyouhaveasoreass
Where do Captain Hook and Darth Vader shop?
The second hand store.
Television for sale
On my way to work I saw an advert in a shop window that said: “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” – I thought to myself, ‘I can’t turn that down.'
– Do you know I’m finally going to watch “Back to the Future”?
– It's about time!
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.
A solid 10, but also imaginary.
I sprayed some deodorant in my mouth.
Now, when I talk, I have this weird Axe-scent
Student 1: My name is Tom Archer because my ancestors were making bows and arrows.
Student 2: My name is Sam Baker because my forefathers were bakers. Student 3: My name is John Dickinson, and I hate this game.
How do you upset a vegan by email?
Send them some spam
NSFW Back in the 1990’s, a baby boy was born without eyelids.
His parents go to a plastic surgeon and the surgeon finds out the boy hasn’t been circumcised yet. The foreskin has nearly the same tissue as the eyelids, so the surgeon suggests a procedure using the baby’s foreskin to fix this problem. Ecstatic, the parents agree. After a few hours of surgery, it was a success! The boy is fine now, he’s just a little cock-eyed.
There are only 3 types of people in the world
The ones that can count, and the ones that can't
A boy come home from school and says “Guess what mom? I had sex with my teacher today!”
The mother is furious, frustrated, and mortified all at once and scream to her son: "GO TO YOUR ROOM!! YOUR FATHER WILL DEAL WITH YOU WHEN HE COMES HOME!!!" So after a short dinner, and a long conversation, the boy hears his dad thumping down the hallway to his room. The father opens the door, and says with a stern voice: "Your mother told me about your day at school… I can't tell you how deeply, seriously, and truly PROUD I AM OF YOU!! HIGH FIVE BUD! For you to get it in, at your age, with a teacher?! I love that my young man's a STUD! To celebrate you being AWESOME, you're getting a brand new bike. Right now, let's go!" So the proud father and son walk to the bike store and walk out with a new set of wheels. The father says: "There she is son, how about you ride this baby home?!" The son replies: "Dad, I'd love to but I can't, my asshole still hurts!"
What’s the difference between a fish, guitar, and a pot of glue?
“You can tune a guitar but you can’t tune a fish” “What about the pot of glue” “I knew you’d get stuck on that”
90% of people are unable to solve this riddle by guessing the opposite of each word.
Always Coming From Take Me Down
I go to the doctor and he asks for a stool sample.
I pull out a small chair from my bag. The doctor yells at me for wasting his time and kicks me out of his office. I go home still not knowing why I'm shitting furniture. My nightmare continues.
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change color?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
The Duck Hunter
A hunter is out in the country one day and waiting for ducks to fly by. After a while he sees a duck, points his gun and shoots it. The duck falls to the ground onto some farmland nearby. The hunter walks over the the farm and sees a farmer holding the dead duck. "Hey that's my duck!" says the hunter. The farmer replies, "Well, it fell onto my land, so it's my duck." "Well, I shot it, so it's my duck" says the hunter. The farmer says "How about we settle this country style?" "What's country style?" asks the hunter. "Well, first I kick you in the nuts, then you kick me in the nuts. And we keep on kicking each other in the nuts until one of us can't take it no more. Winner gets the duck." The hunter thinks about it for a bit and decides to go for it. So the farmer hauls his leg back and kicks the hunter square in the nuts. The hunter's eye bug out and he falls to the ground writhing in pain and clutching his swelling ballsack. After 10 minutes or so the hunter finally recovers and stands up. "Okay, it's my turn now" says the hunter. And the farmer says, "Nah, keep the duck."
Girlfriend stood there last night accusing me of cheating on her.
I thought to myself; "Damn, she sounds just like the wife"
A guy has been accused in our town for murdering people by hitting them with a cement bag.
However the police still don't have any concrete evidence against him.
I was addicted to masturbating, now I’m addicted to sex.
It’s really gotten out of hand.
Just lost my job as a zookeeper
In my defence there were signs everywhere saying "please don't feed the animals"
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
My teacher never farts in public.
Since, she is a private tutor, of course.
That didn’t end well
That didn’t end well
I used to really enjoy political jokes…
Unfortunately, too many of them got elected…
Why do melons have to plan their weddings?
They cant Elope…
As an Aussie, I feel sorry for my American friends and their government
After all, they’re still stuck in the last decade
I just rolled a joint for the first time in my life.
The doctor says it’ll be a few weeks before I can use my ankle again.