need you’re help
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
Having children is a lot like making pancakes
The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking.
TIL the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
I knew this butcher who accidentally backed into his meat grinder
He got a little behind in his work
From my 9yo. How do you tell someone was cutting wood?
You saw-dust. (There were exaggerated winks after. And a elbow to the ribs. It was glorious)
If every letter “t” was silent…
…we'd never hear the end of it.
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment.
A scottish man was found dead after a serious bar fight…
The police are still searching for the person who kilt him.
I hate those annoying Russian Dolls…
They're so full of themselves…
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
A ba-na-na-naaaa.
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?” The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.” The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.” The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.” The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.” The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk
Three Logicians walk into a Bar…
The waitress asks: "Does everyone want beer?" The first logician replies: "I don't know." The second logician says: "I don't know." Finally, the third logician answers: "YES, we all want beer!"
Who’s bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger’s baby?
Mr. Bigger's baby because he's a little bigger.
The Blonde joke to end all Blonde jokes
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman Police Officer, who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blondes driver's licence. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The Police woman said "It's square and has your picture on it" The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the Police woman. "Here it is" she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying "Okay, you're free to go, I didn't realize you were a cop"
What do you get when you mix human DNA with goat DNA
Kicked out of the petting zoo
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
No text found
How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
I, for one…
…well, that's how I was taught Roman numerals in school.
When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar
My wife embarrased me by ordering a racially insensitive drink at Starbucks today…
She ordered a Black coffee, I quickly apologized to the barista and said, "I'm sorry she meant to say an African Americano."
I still remember my grandfather’s last words to me before he kicked the bucket
“Hey, you wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?”
This joke only makes sense if you follow rugby:
A Scotsman walked into a bar. There'd normally be an Englishman, Irishman, and a Welshman as well, but they're still in Japan for the Rugby World Cup.
La gorda abby llegando al mcdonalds
La gorda abby llegando al mcdonalds
If you’re bi and single then you aren’t bisexual
Your bi yourself
Did you hear about the mathematician’s son who hated negative numbers?
He stopped at nothing to avoid them.
A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer “That’ll be five dollars”, says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.
The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc. The next day, again. On the fourth day, he asks for a beer, and hands the bartender a 10$ bill. The bartender takes advantage of his chance for revenge, throws 20 quarters onto the floor and yells "here's your change asshole!" The guy looks down at the coins and says: "I'll have another beer, please."
My wife said we should hire a maid. “The job will get done a lot more often, and they’ll do a way better job!”
Apparently "Should we hire a prostitute for the same reasons?" was the wrong answer.
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally and a kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
Why does Gordon Ramsey always use a condom during sex?
Because otherwise, it’s FUCKING RAW!!!
A Chinese guy and an Englishman walk into a bar.
Over the next hour, the Englishman drinks a lot of alcohol and goes out of control. He begins to scream cuss words and annoy everyone in the bar. Just as the bartender is planning to throw him out, the Chinese guy says, "Hi, sorry for bad English"