NEEDS MORE RED CIRCLES
Soviet Joke about Jews.
Little Jewish boy Moishe comes home, walks up to his mother, and says: “Mom, mom, I wrote at school today in the column “Nationality" that I’m Russian! “Son, what do you eat for lunch every day?” – "Chicken!" – "And now you will eat potatoes, like all Russian children." Moishe becomes upset, and goes to his dad, he thinks maybe his dad will approve. Going to dad: – "Dad, dad, today I wrote "Russian" in the column "Nationality" at school!" – "Son, how do you go to school every day?" – "By car dad!" – "And now you will ride a tram, like all Russian children." Moishe, very upset, goes to his grandfather, maybe he will approve: – "Grandfather, grandfather, today I wrote "Russian" in the column “Nationality!” – "Grandson, how much pocket money did you get for school every day?" – "100 grandfather!" “And now you will receive a ruble. Like all Russian children." Moishe becomes completely upset, and sits down with his family for dinner. Everyone eats a chicken, winking at each other. Moishe eats potatoes. And then Mom asks Moishe: “Well, son, how do you like being Russian?” – "Damn, I'm Russian just for a couple of hours, and already hate you, damn Jews!
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a herbalist living nearby, who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After some discussion with his wife, the man made a visit to the herbalist and handed his voucher over wondering what he was in for. The elderly herbalist handed a potion to the man, and with a grip on his shoulder warned him. "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want." Greatly encouraged, the man turned and started to walk away, then stopped and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" The herbalist replied, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." Eager to see if it worked the man went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.
I tried to join a secret religious society, but the requirements were very strict.
It was called Diffi cult.
The spoon in a waiter’s pocket catches the customer’s attention
The customer asks "Why do you have a spoon in your pocket?" To which the waiter replies "It's part of a new program to save time the restaurant is doing. If I drop a soup spoon, I can quickly replace it with the spoon in my pocket, and then switch the dirty one out next time I'm in the kitchen." The customer is visibly impressed. He then notices something else. He asks "Is that the same reason you have a ketchup bottle in your apron?" The waiter says "Exactly!" The customer says "One last question. Why is there a string coming out of your fly?" The waiter explains "That string is tied to my penis. When i go pee, i just have to unzip and then give it a tug. That way, i save valuable time not having to wash my hands." The customer says "I see. But how do you get your penis back in your pants without touching it?" The waiter replies "I don't know about the other waiters, but I use my spoon."
Japanese foods have such weird names.
They always claim to be yaki but are actually pretty yummy.
My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.
She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said "It didn't work out." She told me to be more specific so I said "I just told you, she didn't exercise."
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.
Man: Hello! Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club? Man: Yes. Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it? Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much. Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one that I really liked. Man: How much? Woman: $90,000 Man: OK, but for that price I want it with all options. Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Jane and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on market. They are asking $980,000 for it. Man: Well, then go ahead and offer $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go to the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman: OK. See you later! I love you too much! Man: Bye, I love you too. The man hung up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turned and asked: Anyone knows whose phone is this?
Yesterday I Spotted an Albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do for the guy.
What’s the difference between COVID and a Karen?
One's a contagion, the other's a cunt aging.
I’ll do algebra and geometry
But graphing is where I draw the line
I call my hand Handy and my foot Footy. What do I call my dick?
Useful. Because it always comes in Handy.
What do you call an atheist church?
A non-prophet organization! 😂😂
Monday: Greg. Tuesday: Ian: Wednesday: Greg. Thursday: Ian. Friday: Greg
A GregOrIan calendar
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools because we have class.
I only knock up antivaxxers.
Because 8 years of child support is better than 18.
I just got hired at a company that makes bicycle wheels!!
I’m the spokesperson
Daily US death toll like a new 9/11 every couple days now- How can anybody compete with that
https://ift.tt/2AgJ5oT
Guys, to be frank
I would have to change my name.
Coronavirus isn’t Trumps Fault. Ebola wasn’t Obama’s Fault. Sars wasn’t Brush’s fault….
And only a handful of cases of herpes were Clinton's fault.
I called a suicide hotline in Iraq.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
What do metals call their friends
their chromies
See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!
Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh? Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work! Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly.. Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
Earlier I spotted an albino Dalmatian…
It was the least I could do for him.
Why does the Prime Minister keep all his meetings post noon?
Because he is a PM, not an AM
When I heard that a cure for dyslexia had been discovered
It was like music to my arse
I hate when Mommy and Daddy get drunk and start fights.
They are both way bigger than me and there are two of them. It's not fair.
A roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says…
"Five beers please."
Right enough of these “2020 vision” jokes
I don’t want to make a spectacle of myself
Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.
I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.
The Pope walks into a Mosque.
The Imam says “Why the wrong faith?”
Why did the crab cross the road?
He didn't. He used the sidewalk.
My marriage is like a fairytale
A witch is waiting for me at home
What do you call children born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.
Who’s the coolest guy in the hospital when the ultrasound guy isn’t there?
The hip replacement guy