Neger
What do you call a caveman that wanders around aimlessly?
A meander-thal.
A woman sees her son shoving candy into his mouth.
"Stop it" she said, "You shouldn't eat so much candy at once." "Why?" her son replied. "Because, if you eat too much candy at once, your stomach will grow bigger, and bigger, and finally it will explode!" The boy is frightened by the image of his stomach exploding, so he stops eating candy. The next day, the boy and his mom go to church, and the boy sits down next to a very pregnant woman. The boy looks closely at her stomach, then up to her face, and finally he says to the pregnant woman, "I know what you've been doing."
What does a gun and a pack of gum have in common?
Everyone suddenly wants to be your friend when you take it out at school.
What’s it mean when you have a song stuck in your head?
You have a one-track mind.
What do you call a cow in your garden?
A lawnmoower
The joys of a “custom” CMS…
If I never have to deal with another “custom CMS” ever again, it’ll be too soon… The latest one that’s been inflicted upon me, inspired me to make this meme:https://ift.tt/3fAGfuV
My friend’s girlfriend dumped him and is telling everyone he has a small penis.
He claims he wasn’t that much into her anyways.
A Higgs-boson particle goes into a church.
The vicar says, "We don't want your sort in here!" The Higgs-boson particle says "But you can't have mass without me!"
I’m only putting a picture of me in my locket.
This proves I'm independent.
Hi, I’m Robin
https://ift.tt/2BoeOlb
What’s the difference between an ISIS outpost and an Iraqi preschool?
I have no idea, I just fly the drone.
With relationships, they say there’s plenty of fish in the sea…
But I'm just stuck here holding my rod
I’ll do algebra and geometry
But graphing is where I draw the line
TIL: If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal
Elongate would be really drawn out.
Maybe the phrase shooting fish in a barrel comes from Americans…
Because fish swim in schools.
A priest, an alcoholic, and a child molester walk into a bar…
And that's just the first guy.
Why are tight pants like a cheap hotel?
No ballroom
Did you hear about the guy who was handing out awards to couples that cheat?
He was medaling in other people’s affairs.
A teenage girl gives birth to twins and puts them up for adoption…
She never hears from them again except for the news that one baby was adopted by a Mexican couple, and the other was adopted by a couple from the Middle East. Years later she hires a private investigator to track down her two adopted children, just so she can find out how their lives have been. After months of searching, the investigator comes back to her with only a single photo of the boy adopted out to the Mexican couple. "There's no photo of the other child!?" the woman says, dismayed. The investigator shrugs. "Geeze, lady! They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
I don’t trust people who do acupuncture.
They’re all backstabbers
A very loud, grossly over-weight, and very unattractive woman walked into Walmart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning, and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no! They ain't no twins! Oldest one's nine, and the fat one's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" In a very pleasant tone, the greeter responded, "I'm neither blind nor stupid. I just couldn't believe that you got laid twice."
My wife told me the kid almost burned the house down
Now i’m really scared of arson
What concert cost 45¢
50¢ ft. Nickelback.
Student 1: My name is Tom Archer because my ancestors were making bows and arrows.
Student 2: My name is Sam Baker because my forefathers were bakers. Student 3: My name is John Dickinson, and I hate this game.
A woman is amazed by pastor who lives next door and how quickly he changes his personality.
Around the neighborhood, he is incredibly shy, quiet, and timid. As soon as he begins to preach, he becomes loud, boisterous, and is able to entertain the congregation with his sermons. “I’m not sure how you go from one personality to the next,” the woman tells the pastor over coffee. “Oh, it’s simple,” the pastor explains. “That guy in church is my altar ego.”
My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn’t get an erection.
I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
Never have sex with a wizard…
I did once and I got Hogwarts. Now they won't quidditching.
Guy walks into a bar and notices pieces of meat hanging from the cieling.
He asks the bartender about it and the bartender says that if someone can jump up and touch one of the pieces of meat on their first try then they will get free drinks there for life. However, if they try and can’t do it, they have to buy everyone’s drinks for the rest of the night. The bartender asks the guy if he’s willing to try it and the guy says “no, the steaks are too high”.
I, foolishly, named my daughter Daenerys before seeing how Game of Thrones ended. But you live and you learn.
Now to take a big sip of coffee, sit down with my son, Judas, and read about how things worked out for this Jesus fella.
Well… Well… Well…
If it isn't 3 holes in the ground…
