Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal…
…until the pressure got to him.
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter… I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.
I thought to myself, “I really need a new boat.”
Doctor: Sorry sir.. Your DNA is reversed.
Man: AND ?
This is one from one of my preschoolers: Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Because he was feeling crumby.
How do you send warships via email?
Google Docks
A man is sitting at home when a police officer knocks on his door.
The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, “Yes, I am.” The officer then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. The man answers, “Sure, hold on a second.” The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, “I’m sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train.” The man says, “I know, but she has a good personality.”
A crow was caught recently breaking quarantine laws.
They charged him with attempted murder.
Sometimes it is better to just walk away from things and go back to them later when you’re in a better frame of mind.
While it's true, that's how I lost my job as a surgeon.
What happens when you slip a chicken a dollar?
Chicken strips.
Have you heard of the reverse exorcism?
It’s where the devil appears and asks the priest to get out of the child.
How does a Jewish man make coffee?
Hebrews it.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s how I roll.
I approached a woman in a bar and seductively said, “Hi Darlin’, I’d love to get into your pants!”
She said, "No thanks, there's already an asshole in there."
Is this sub still active?
There have been barely any posts all year.
I threw my wife a bukakke party the other night…
Everybody came.. You should have seen her face
My friend Dave drowned yesterday, we placed a life jacket on his coffin
It's what he would have wanted…
What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle?
The polar bear.
Why is Princess Zelda the most fashionable person in Hyrule?
Because she's really Sheik.
I asked my Wife “Am I the only one you’ve been with?”
“Yes… but I’ve had some sevens and eights.” She replied.
What’s the difference between a pizza and a musician?
A pizza can feed a family of four.
Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person
"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf Hitler, 1945
For those with poor vision. The good news is that in less than 12 hours…
You’ll all be seeing 2020
Some things go without saying:
No text found
Son: “Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl.”
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
I got mad when my teacher told me I was an average student.
It was just a mean thing to say.
The repairs on big ben are expected to take 3 years
That's a long time considering they're working around the clock
A bear walks into a bar…
The bear says: “I’d like a whiskey and……………………….coke please. Bartender says: “Why the big pause?” Bear replies: “I was born with them.” Edit: Thanks for the upvotes! I actually lived this joke right before posting while making dinner for my kids (changed the drink and location). Here’s how it happened: 2yo Child, While holding her bear: Um, daddy?Can I have…………………………..milk pwease? Me: Sure sweetie, but why the big pause?! Only I laughed…my ass off. Guess I’ll just, grin and bear all the repost comments.
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?” [NSFW]
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
My wife says that I wasted money by ordering a 3 meter wide frame for our wedding photo.
Well, I think she should look at the bigger picture.
This morning at breakfast, my dad looked at us very seriously and said, “It hurts me when I say this..”
..”But I have a sore throat.”
Did you know that cucumbers are good for your memory ?
Because I got one stuck in my ass a couple years ago and me, my family and doctor still remember it vividly
My new girlfriend told me I’m terrible in bed
I told her it's unfair to make a judgment in less than a minute.
Insulting bus driver.
A woman got on a bus, holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber.
The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways. The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people." The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school. On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?" John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"
there is love without sex, and there is sex without love.
and then there’s you, without both.
Do locomotive engineers ever actually do their job?
Or are they always just training?
What do you call a floating dog?
A good buoy.
My rich friend hired a one-armed butler, and is now regretting it.
Serves him right.
I think I had my first dad joke moment
I was driving my daughter (10F) to her dance class. Although we have taken this route countless times before and she never said a word about it before, she did this time and said as she was looking out the window while driving by a particular area, "Why would anyone build a daycare next to a cemetery?" Without thought, I said "I don't know, but I bet their neighbors are quiet" There was a second or two pause and then she said "Daaaaaaad." My chest puffed up with pride for several miles as I thought I had just crossed the line into Dad Jokedom!
i don’t know why everyone thought 73-year-old Bernie Sanders was too old to run for president four years ago…
…after all, he was in his prime.
Where do bad rainbows go?
Prism.