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I told him, “It’s all in your head.”
Because they lactose
"Honesty" "I don't think honesty is a weakness." "I don't give a fuck what you think."
I responded, “That’s not right.” With a scowl, she pulled up google and proved to me that the earth is, in fact, tilted at a 23.5 degree angle. “Precisely,” I agreed. “If the angle were right it would be 90°.”
It scares the shit out the dog.
Because everything was at steak
So I handed her the divorce papers and said “may div orce be with you”
Credit my uncle, who is an uncle joking but not making uncle jokes. A dad-joker but not my dad.
Because it flew over your head.
As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus. So I ran after her shouting, “You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!” She didn’t hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, “You dropped your purse on the floor outside outside McDonald’s. Thank you so much she said, Where is it? I said, I’ve just told you, on the floor outside McDonald’s.
A man went into a toy store and ripped the arms off of every teddy bear in the store. Why did the judge let him go free?
He had the right to bear arms.
Transcend dental medication.
The kids weren't much to look at!
I scare everyone in the car I'm driving
She said, “You have the biggest penis I’ve ever put my hands on.” I said, “Nah. Your just pulling my leg.”
They've got plenty of wheelpower.
But when it happens no one is shocked.
…just because I was the first person to discover a new crack I the earth's crust, everybody was acting like it's my fault.
It was tense.
A pithon Happy pi day
He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest. "No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."
He said, “Sorry. No time.”
…until the pressure got to him.
Their words, not mine.
People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, Jill colored her nails purple and Bob had a cock. Thanks to Anthony Jeselnik for the joke
Cause they never meat-up. If there are any vegans reading this please don't start a beef.
Surprising since most Aussies like to boo meringue.
I said “I reddit from somewhere”