Neo-nepotism
A local barber in my area was arrested for selling drugs.
It blew my mind—I've been his customer for years and I had no idea he was a barber.
A doctor, a priest and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they? George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge! (silence) Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
Me: Officer, are you actually crying while you’re writing me a speeding ticket?
Officer: It was a moving violation
My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child’s feet
She said something about 'waiting until they're born'
I had $1,000 extra in my pay last month, this month I was $1,000 short. When I reported it to payroll they asked me why I didn’t say anything when I got paid too much.
I told them, I'll tolerate one mistake but not two.
Child safety bad. (Image shared is pic of computer screen for extra boomer-ness)
https://ift.tt/2E4gstA
What did Charizard say to Pikachu?
Charizard
What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drinker
I got in touch with my inner self today.
That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.
Why do pornos always end with the guy coming?
Because it sure as hell can't start with the guy leaving.
An egyptian mother tells his son “im a proud mummy”
No text found
I can’t find a joke I read here yesterday…
Now I have to wait all day to see it again):
This morning at breakfast, my dad looked at us very seriously and said, “It hurts me when I say this..”
..”But I have a sore throat.”
My friend just had an orgasm after she started thinking reasonably…
She came to her senses!
What do you call a cage filled with Quarters, Dimes, and Pennies?
Nickel-less Cage!
A-merry-ca ‘ristmas, reddit
from all of US!
Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.
Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting. The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The startled lad rolled it down and said, “Yes, Officer?” “What are you doing?” the cop asked. “Isn’t it obvious?” the young man replied. “I’m reading today’s newspaper.” Pointing to the blonde in the backseat, the policeman grunted, “And what’s she doing?” “I believe she’s knitting a sweater,” the guy behind the wheel responded. “How old are you?” the cop inquired. “I’m 22, Officer.” “And the girl—how old is she?” The dude in the driver’s seat looked at his watch and said, “She’ll turn 18 in ten minutes.”
My bank recently called me to let me know I had an outstanding balance
I replied "Thank you, I used to do gymnastics" and hung up the phone. That was nice of them to say.
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.
He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her. The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.” So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place. He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?” “No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”
How To Fall Down The Stairs:
Step 1: Step 2: Step 5: Step 8: Step 14:
before my surgery my anaesthesiologist offered to knock me out with either gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether / oar situation.
I just found out i’m colourblind
The diagnosis came out of the purple
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “A miracle?!”
I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
My dad’s favourite joke. Mine too.
There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings. At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The man himself wandered on stage and silenced the murmurs. 'Today I will demonstrate two things. The first being that spiders can understand and respond to basic commands.' The crowd laughed and jeered but undeterred he opened a box on his desk and a spider crawled out. 'Spider, walk left' The spider moved to its left. The crowd was silenced. 'Spider, move right.' The spider moved right. The crowd gasped. Forward, backward, the spider responded again and again. The crowd applauded in awe. The scientist then removed all of the spider's legs. The crowd, confused by this, watched in silence. 'Move left' The spider didn't move. 'Move right' Nothing. Forward, backward, no response. 'This is to demonstrate my second finding. Once you remove a spider's legs, it goes deaf.'
Which Witcher knows the answers to all questions?
Geralt of Trivia
I went to a zoo that only had a dog in it.
It was a shih tzu
Just got the job as the senior director of the Old McDonald farm.
I’m now the CIEIO.
I used to hate facial hair.
But then it grew on me.
Wife got her test results back. We thought she had Tourette’s syndrome. Tests were negative.
Turns out I am a cunt & she does want me to fuck off
