Netflix should watch what order they put their new releases in.
this is as close as I could get.
…and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’
We lived on an old farm. No animals, just fields. Uncle goes to the market to buy a horse, ends up spending more than expected because it's bred from some old bloke's prized stallion. Although expensive, aunt loves it. Because it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty". She was a fucked up like that. They told me, "If we ever catch you riding our fucking horse then we will beat the living shit out of you." They'd done it before so I knew they meant it. Days later, I'm messing in the fields with some old tractor tire I found. Dirty is just eating grass and shit next to me. Auntie and uncle come out every few minutes to make sure I'm not riding the horse. Get bored. Climb inside the tire. Tire starts moving (field wasn't flat). Can't stop. Auntie and uncle come outside to check on me They see me rollin' They hatin' Patrolling Trying to catch me riding Dirty
They'd have to spell it different.
No text found
then 25.8069758 is the root of all evil
Me: stop hitting yourself haha, why do you keep hitting yourself Sister-in-law: crying is this why you wanted an open casket
For my black jeep…
When they're going "CHEEP!"
Thanks to him I did 89 push ups in 10 seconds.
I named the second one Repeat.
The Doctors were trying to convince me, I'm actually a Swedish bloke who had forgotten his identity… But I wasn't Bjorn yesterday!
At first I thought that these jokes just weren't that funny. Then I realized that I'm depressed… and these jokes aren't that funny.
But not if you die late.
I told him that I had Clausible deniability.
Those damn mooselimbs.
I feel with my hands. That was my dad’s go to, directly followed by: dad: can I make you a sandwich Me: sure Dad: (does magic hands) poof you’re a sandwich It’s almost 3 years since he died. I miss his joke every damn day.
He’ll be know as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince
I called the doctor and screamed, “Quick! My pregnant wife’s going into labor, what should I do?” He said, “Calm down, is this her first child?”
I shrieked, “No! This is her husband!"
But it just felt Forced.
It May, Fri 10 you.
It got stuck in the cracks. (Made up by my 10 year old.)
Give me a second I'm still working on it.
"2 or 3" she replied. Probably explains why her marriage collapse
A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, “Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I’ve never seen his kind before”. So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic.
As he's about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, "Mmm… That was some good lion meat!" The lion screeches to a halt and says, "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can" and then runs away. Over in a tree, is a monkey who sees everything and realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion what happened and getting something in return. So the monkey finds the lion and tells him what really happened. The lion says to the monkey angrily, "Get on my back, we'll get him together". So the monkey climbs on the lion's back and they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them, realizes what has happened and starts to panic even more. But then he gets another idea and shouts, "Where is that monkey!?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…"
Unless you're prepared to handle the reaper cushions.
I have no words to describe how angry I am
The drill slipped.
"Whom, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
A plant-based beef. P.S. [This is my first joke, pls don't judge too harshly]
Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they all said "Bach Bach Bach!"