Never apply programming logic while answering your girl
What do you do if you break your leg in two places?
Never, EVER go back to those two places.
A man is lost in a hot air balloon
He sees a field below and descends to shout: "Hey can you tell me where I am? I'm trying to get to a friend whom I said I would meet in 30 minutes." The man in the field says: "Yes, you are in a red hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above the ground, in the middle of this field" "Ah, you must be an engineer", replies the balloonist "I am indeed, but how did you know?", asks the man. "Well", says the balloonist, "everything you've said is technically right, but is of no use to anyone" To this, the man replies: "Any you must work in management" The balloonist confirms this, but asks how the man knew. "Well", replies the man, "You don't know where you are, how to get where you're heading, made a promise you can't keep. You expect me to be able to help, but after all this time, we're in the exact same position we were before, but now it's my fault"
I went to the shop and bought a thesaurus but when I got home, when I opened it, all the pages were blank.
I had no words to describe how angry I was.
What are paramedics favorite gaming console?
Wii U!!! Wii U!! Wii U!!
I thought I dipped my tortilla chip into a bowl of cheese sauce, but it turned out to be honey mustard.
It was a queso mistaken identity.
What’s blue and not heavy
Light blue
WONKA: Congratulations Charlie! My chocolate empire is yours
CHARLIE: Thatâs wondrous! WONKA: Now, first thing will be handling this PR crisis. CHARLIE: Wait, wha- WONKA: A lot of kids just died in your factory, Charlie. And thereâs a rumor that you apparently own slaves? Edit: credit for this amazing joke https://mobile.twitter.com/WenzlerPowers/status/1181625842885124096?s=20&utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Kung Fu student asks his teacher
"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated. And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon… when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
It’s absurd to compare Donald Trump to Adolf Hitler
Hitler volunteered for the army.
My son asked me and my SO why koala’s aren’t considered bears
I told him they don't have tge right koalafications. My SO sighed and left the room… She hasn't talked to me in 45min, guess that's how you know it's a dadjoke?
I keep having this dream about a horse in full battle armor.
Actually it's probably more of a knight mare.
From a physicist: ICP is actually right about magnets
/r/juggalo/comments/g1e3nx/from_a_physicist_icp_is_actually_right_about/
Great Aunt shared this on Facebook, thought someone here might be able to decipher?
https://ift.tt/2VfhPh8
Why did the sperm cross the road
I put on the wrong sock this morning.
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it
We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer
What do you call a nervous Darth Vader?
Panakin Skywalker
Did you hear the one about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.
Whatâs blue and doesnât weigh much?
Light blue
My buddy recently cloned himself and had sex with his clone.
Many people were disgusted, but it's none of my business so I told him: "You do you."
My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding…
She got so mad and said she's never gonna play Scrabble with me ever again
Seeing six topless women sounds nice…
Dozen tit
Why are ghosts bad liars?
Because you can see right through them!
What do you call a bird that only shows up to work when it wants to?
A millenial falcon
Engineer in Hell
An engineer dies and goes to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
Jewish coming out
Yosef walks up to his mother. "Imma, I want you to know that I am homosexual and I will marry my boyfriend, Raul." After a long awkward silence she frowns. "Raul? That is not a Jewish name!"
Thereâs this really out of touch old janitor that works at my office building.
At least heâs an ok broomer.
“Dad Are We Pyromaniacs?”
"Yes we arson…"
Why can’t you use “Beef stew” as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
I was well on my way to becoming a millionaire
I had a sex toy business that specialized in gold plated butt plugs. One day I got a cease and desist letter from Apple. Apparently they hold the patent on overpriced shit for assholes.
Why do pirates love this subreddit?
It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
My whole life I thought Chewbacca was an ewok
Wookie mistake.
âHey you see that ceiling, itâs not the best ceiling iâve ever seen but
itâs up there.â
I lent a girl my umbrella yesterday
now the amount of girls I made wet this year is -1. đ
A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. “Do you guys have golden toilets?” he asks.
"What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?" "Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet." Bartender says "OK, first, no we don't have golden toilets. Secondly, HEY MORTY, I FOUND THE GUY THAT PISSED IN YOUR TUBA!"
Uuhhhhh someone messed up
https://ift.tt/2Ztrunc
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
đ˝đ˝đ˝ He was out-standing in his field đ˝đ˝đ˝
Iâve been saying âmuchoâ more often when talking to my Hispanic friends…
It means a lot to them…
A man goes into a brothel
He says to the madam, "Hi, I'm a traveling salesman, I've been on the road for eight weeks. I'll pay $100 for the worst blow-job in the house." She says, "The worst…? For $100 you can have the best blow-job in the house!" He says, "No, it's all right, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat any dinner?
They were already stuffed!
A man stumbles upon a magic lamp with a genie willing to grant him one wish.
Man: I wish your name was "Burger King". Genie: Wait, what? Why? Man: It's for a joke, trust me. Genie: You'd waste a wish, something with the power to change the cosmos itself, for a joke? Man: Yes. Burger King: Have it your way.
My girlfriend called me today and told me that she was HIV+
It's always hard to act surprised
A bottle of coke just fell out of the fridge onto my foot.
Iâm so glad it was a soft drink
I gently slid her panties to the side …
so that I could fit the rest of the socks in the drawer
Whatâs the heights of over confidence
. Edit: thank you kind stranger for the Silver!
Apparently you can’t use beefstew as a password…
It's not stroganoff.
What do you call a beehive with no exit?
Unbeelievable
That Robert Pattinson meme really is everywhere!
No one:Employee to tech support: “My computer is pretty slow”The computer:https://ift.tt/2SrlG9N
The seminar âHow To Avoid Fraudsâ is cancelled…
Tickets are non-refundable…
