Astronaut 1: hey I can’t find any milk for my coffee
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
I was gonna give archery a shot
But there’s too many drawbacks
I ordered a Chicken and an Egg from Amazon
I'll let you know
I would post a joke about Buddhism
But I don’t have enough karma
I wish I was taller…
Then I could sleep longer.
Gay people have no excuse to have a bad fashion sense
Like homie what were you doing in the closet that whole time
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig
the letter “f”
I called the tinnitus hotline
It didn't stop ringing
One good thing came from Corona. I got gas for a 1.39 today.
Unfortunately it was from taco bell
I can cut wood just by looking at it.
It's true. I saw it with my own eyes.
My wife insists that guys in camouflage look sexy.
I just don’t see it.
If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet
Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best . P.S.A – Do recycle ♻
What did the burger say to the bun?
I'll meat you in the middle.
Yes, I have aids
I have a phone, a laptop and a few chairs
People in Athens hate getting up early
…because Dawn is tough on Greece.
My girlfriend is very untidy and never helps clean our place. I finally snapped and told her she needed to do her share. She smiled and said…
“If I could turn back time!!! If I could find a way!!!!"
If anyone says you have to work 365 days in 2020 in order to succeed, they don’t have your best interests in mind and is preaching toxic hustle culture
You need to work 366 days cause it’s a leap year
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics
Why should you just be honest to fat people?
Because if you sugarcoat the facts, they'll eat them too.
People have called me a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
My name is ______
But you can call me anytime
The rotation of the earth makes my day
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Security professionals advise to never use ‘beef stew’ as a password
It isn’t stroganoff
Girls these days really don’t know what romanticism and respect is
Quick tip for all you girls: If I bring you your breakfast in bed you are supposed to say things like "Thank you sweetie" or maybe "Aww, I love you too!" And not things like "Who the hell are you?" and "How the fuck did you get into my house?"
How do you make holy water?
Boil the heck out of it.
Why did Karen press ctrl + alt + delete?
She wanted to see the task manager
My wife divorced me so I took her wheelchair…
Guess who came crawling back?
Hypothermia is the coolest way to die
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