Never forget…
My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games
What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4
If we make it past 2020, I’ll be dreading 2022.
After all, 2022 is 2020, too!
Watched a movie in 1440p for the first time yesterday.
It was my new year's resolution.
What do a priest and a silver medalists have in common?
They both came in a little behind
I named my horse Mayo,
and sometimes Mayo neighs.
Did you hear about the frog that was raised by bunnies?
All it could say was "rabbit".
My grocery store had a great deal on baked sweets today
It’s really been a great cake day
My family is tired of me telling dad jokes during quarantine.
I replied “what’s wrong? you don’t like inside jokes?”
A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.
"Fellas! My pussy is so big that I'll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can't take." A big cowboy gets up and takes off his size 16 cowboy boots and shoves them into her pussy. The boots are sucked right in. He grabs a flashlight and, that too, is sucked in. He puts his face in between her legs to get a better look and he gets sucked in. Inside he hears noises. "Is someone else in here?" he asks. "Yeah, I've been in here for a week," the voice says. "Help me find my flashlight and we can get out of here," the cowboy says. "Hell," says the other man, "help me find my keys and we can drive out."
Why do police get to protests early?
To beat the crowd.
A Canadian..
Can't.
What does Trump call kayaks?
Fake canoes
I’m addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers.
It's really hard to quit cold turkey
Nice Dad
Father: Son, I donated all your toys to the children's home. Son: Why did you do that? Father: So you will not be bored there.
Kid: what does a condom do?
Dad: nothing, apparently.
A teenage girl was getting frisky with her boyfriend…
At her parent's house. Her father, after being woken by the noises, goes upstairs to check it out; and walks in on them. "Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "…I'm sorry" The dad being, a dad, replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!" He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you *fucking* sorry?"
What is the root of all evil?
25.8069758011
I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.
The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.
Why is 1 = 0 ??
Cos 0 = 1
I have lots of Kenny Rogers jokes, but in light of his recent passing, I won’t tell them.
You gottta know when to hold 'em.
I started a business building Yachts in my attic
Sails are through the roof.
I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out.
I just came to that realization.
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.
He finishes his drink and asks for the check. Duck billed Platypus.
Mountains aren’t just funny…
They’re hill areas.
Had sex with my girlfriend a couple days ago..
My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago. She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt". I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.
How does the kid tell you that their grandparents called?
60s kids: Grandma called. 70s kids: Gramps called. 80s kids: Granny called. 90s kids: Grandmother called. Kids now: Boomerang.
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”
I know a great knock-knock joke, but you need to start it.
You: Ok, knock knock Me: Who's there? You: …? Me: 😃
Why did the anti-vaxxer’s 4 year old son buy a corvette?
He was having a midlife crisis.