Never have someone tried to negotiate the rent with me until today
At his wedding, my buddy called me the worst best man he has ever seen.
I was speechless.
Where can you find a turtle that has no legs?
Exactly where you left it.
As I suspected, someone’s been adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
How do you say ‘sup dawg’ in Japanese?
Konichihuahua
My wife’s favorite song is “Ain’t No Sunshine” by Bill Withers and she reminds of this every single time it’s on the radio…
I reply, "I know, I know, I know, I know, I know…"
Some people have trouble sleeping…
…but I can do it with my eyes closed.
Where do bad rainbows go?
Prism.
Teach a man a joke, and he will laugh for a day.
Teach a redditor a joke, and they will repost it for a lifetime. It's cake and y'all know the rules!
So if guns don’t kill people, people kill people
Does that mean toasters don’t toast toast toast toast toast?
Why did the train go to the sauna?
To blow off some steam 🙅♂️🚂
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you’re prepared to handle the reaper cushions.
According to the psychiatrist, my mind thinks that I’m a plant.
It's really hard to be leaf.
My boyfriend asked me why I like showering in boiling hot water
I told him a snack tastes better cooked.
What did Kim Jong-Un say yesterday before he died?
My Korea is over
What does Alexander the Great have in common with Winnie the Pooh?
Same middle name.
My landlord said he needed to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is…
I told him, "Anytime, my door is always open!"
What’s the difference between a Monk and a Rogue?
A Rogue will pick the lock. A Monk will just use their Ki.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Cause he Neverlands.
What’s the difference between your Wife and your Job?
Well, after 10 years your Job still sucks.
Why did Mozart get rid of all his chickens?
He asked them who the best composer was and didn’t like their answer.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said:
Y'know, one would've been enough.
Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump.
But it's a silly comparison really, it's like comparing apples to oranges.
Three guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes
Three guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. So they throw a cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Been a dad 5 mo, so I’m a little new to this… Hit my wife with this one tonight at dinner.
Me: Dinner is served as soon as you dress the salad. Wife: What are you thinking? Me: Business casual.
My son asked me, “What was your favourite music to listen to when growing up?” I said, “Led Zeppelin”.
My son: Who? Me: Yes, they were good too.
A woman goes to a pet store to buy a companion.
The assistant in the pet store however guides her to the aquarium and says "these frogs are on special.' "Why would I want a frog" says the woman. The shop keeper looks around sheepishly then says "this frog gives the best oral sex in the world, MIND BLOWING!!" The woman immediately buys the frog and takes it home. That evening she bathes, dresses in her sexist lingerie, lays on her bed and places the frog between her legs….nothing happens. The next day she calls us the pet store and complains to the shop assistant. He apologies profusely and says he doesn't know what happened and offers to come around and fix the problem. When he arrives he ask the woman to recreate the scene and show him what she did. The woman does as instructed with the same result. The frog does nothing. The man strokes his chin and thinks for a moment. Then places the frog to one side and says to it. "Alright! I'm going to show you how to do this ONE last time!"
Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello
https://ift.tt/3dek1hh
A man stumbles upon a magic lamp with a genie willing to grant him one wish.
Man: I wish your name was "Burger King". Genie: Wait, what? Why? Man: It's for a joke, trust me. Genie: You'd waste a wish, something with the power to change the cosmos itself, for a joke? Man: Yes. Burger King: Have it your way.
I buy my guns from a guy that goes by “T-Rex”
He’s a small arms dealer
Damn girl are you a reddit user?
Because you give me the same fucking shit, day after day!