Never knew Shakespeare was into Computers 🤣
During a war, Communists are Russian
The Japanese are just loli-gagging.
I was watching an Australian cooking show, and people started cheering when the chef made a meringue .
I was shocked. Usually Australians boo meringue.
*Wife pregnant* Nurse: “I’m gonna deliver the Baby”
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Radish means slightly Awesome in 90’s vernacular
No text found
I was thinking of going as a band-aid for Halloween, but then decided against it.
It would be really hard to pull off.
How come the Hulk doesn’t lose his pants when he transforms?
The scientific experiments altered his jeans
This evening I went for a walk with a beautiful woman.
Then she noticed me, so we went for a run instead.
A limbo champion walks into a bar…
he is immediately disqualified.
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!" Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?" "No, sweetheart," she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?" "Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks. "Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn’t send that one, either." Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?" Abe answers, "They’ll find us!"
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
I took a test to check whether or not I have kleptomania.
It wasn’t my test, but I took it anyway.
My dad has a heart of a lion
and a lifetime ban from the zoo
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four chin teller
Exasperated, I showed him the picture and pleaded, “Doctor, all of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!”
He acknowledged grimly, "Indeed, that's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen."
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid.
He says he can stop anytime.
It doesn’t matter how many times you fall, it’s how many times you get back up!
"That's not how field sobriety tests work." replied the police officer
What do you call a priest that’s also a lawyer?
A father in law
Cardi B has a sister who’s a fitness instructor…
Her name is Cardi O!
Losing a rifle in the army can get you a fine over over £500
I am starting to finally understand why navy captains go down with the ship
I asked my wife why she never tells me when she orgasms
She told me she doesn't want to bother me while I'm at work.
What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school?
Oh, high marks.
Did you hear about the mathematician that was afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them
I bought some Shoes from my drug dealer yesterday.
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
I had my picture taken with the band R.E.M. once…
That's me in the corner.
I cried when my mom chopped onions
Onions was a good dog.
I have a scary joke about math
But I am 2² to say it.
A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender “how much?”
The bartender replies "For you? No charge."
my wife asked me why i type everything in lower case.
i said i stopped giving a shift.
A man has been at the Pub all night drinking
The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So our man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up but again falls flat on his face. He crawls home. Reaching the door he tries to stand up, and yet again, falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he summons the last of his strength and tries one final time to stand. It's no use. He tumbles into bed and is soon sound asleep, only to awaken the next morning to the sound of his wife standing over him shouting. 'So… you've been out drinking again!' 'How did you know?' he asks, his head hung in shame. 'The pub called– you left your damn wheelchair down there again!'
The last words my grandma told my grandfather was “Sweetie, I’ll see you in heaven!”
Since then, grandpa has been kicking puppies and setting fire to orphanages.
Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other: "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
A lion never cheats on their wife
But a Tiger Wood.
What sneakers to pedophiles wear?
White Vans
NSFW can you give someone a skin graft from your butt?
Ass skin for a friend
