Never smoking weed with Mexicans again
I asked who has papers and they all took off running
Let's go ride bikes!
God summons Adam and Eve as he would like to offer them each a feature distinguishing men from women
God: "So guys, you have to choose now between being able to stand up and pee and m…" Adam: "Me me memememe! I want to be able to stand up and pee! Thats gotta be the best feature out there.. I choose this one for men! I win, you lose Eve!!" God: "Erm.. alright then.. Eve, I guess you are stuck with the multiple orgasms then."
The bartender replies "For you? No charge."
But then I’m a mime, so I can’t really talk.
There would be a mass confusion
The bartender says "how did you do that?"
A Red Cross worker is cold calling people for donations and comes across a lawyer where records shows he makes $500k+ a year and hasn’t made a single charitable donation. So the Red Cross worker calls the lawyer and asks if he’d like to donate. The lawyer says “no “,thank you.” The Red Cross worker replies, “well, my records show that you make over half a million a year and haven’t made a single charitable donation so why can’t you help us out? I’m sure you can afford at least a small donation…” and the lawyer replies “oh really, well do your records tell you about my brother who served in the war and is in a coma with extremely expensive hospital bills? Or what about my mother? Do they tell you about how she’s sick with even more expensive hospital bills year after year?” At this point the Red Cross worker is very embarrassed and says “I’m sorry sir, I had no idea.” And the lawyer goes “so if I’m not helping them out what makes you think I’d help you out?”
…you know, "other hole". I said that's dumb because she might get pregnant.
A rock guitarist plays 3 chords for 10,000 people A jazz guitarist plays 10,000 chords for 3 people
But they're a solid #2
Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down 😉
Her: What are you going to do when we see it? Me: We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.
But it didnt ring a bell
It's not hard
When Biden is speaking you wonder if he's had a stroke. When Trump is speaking you wonder if you've had a stroke.
A boa constructor
Number one, and number two
The results speak for themselves.
Boudreaux was called up to the Louisiana National Guard. Because he was a smooth talker the CO put him in charge of explaining benefits to new recruits.
After a week the CO noticed Boudreaux had a 100% sign up rate for supplemental insurance. Impressed, the CO sits in on one of Boudreaux’s sessions. “If you boys goes to Afghanistan and you gets yoself kilt, the gubmint pays you benefishary $50,000. But if you gets the supplemental insurance, which only cost tirty dollas a month, the gubmint pays you benefishary $400,000.” “Now, which group you tink the gubmint gonna send to Afghanistan first?”
It's in case they have to draw blood…
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
it was groundbreaking
I said: “No, but I’ll wrestle you for them!”
Because he never finished his sentences…
It really means a lot to them.
He uses them to get high.
i’m new to this subreddit 🏃🏽♀️
As they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong As everyone gathered around, she sobbed "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with"
She had the nerve to spit it out on the floor.
Bartender to the the Texan: That will be $5 Bartender to the Mexican: That will be $3 The Texan, upset, asks why the same beer cost less for the Mexican The Bartender replies, "Señor Discount"
"What?" she asked, confused. I said, "You asked me to describe myself in tree words."
That will give you a reason to get up in the morning.
Every other time I've seen them, they were under a buck.