Never underestimate the power of stupid people in herds
I think my wife is putting glue on my rifle collection.
She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.
I stayed up all night trying to think of a joke.
And then it dawned on me.
How does Winnie the Pooh eat his honey?
With his bear hands
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted and funny.
The fifth was dead Sirius.
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled back, "Nah, I didn't pay for my haircut!"
On the news: “nearly 29,000 women have their breast implants removed every year”
Me, to my wife: “that’s stupid. I would think most women only need to have them removed once!”
Some lettuce, an egg, and a faucet had a race. What was the result?
The lettuce came in ahead, the egg got beat and the faucet is still running.
I got drunk and drew up a graph showing all of the relationships I’ve ever had.
It had an ex axis, and a why axis.
A girl sleeps with a bunch of dudes and she’s a slut. But what’s a man who does the same thing?
Gay. Definitely at least a little gay.
I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger what his favourite religious holday was. He said
"Have to love Easter, baby…."
A guy with flame tattoo sleeves walks into a building.
Security stops him and says there are no firearms allowed in this building.
How do they make scissors at the factory?
With cutting edge technology.
Did you hear about the communist sniper?
He was an incredible marxman
Scientists definitively confirmed today that anteaters are incapable of contracting coronavirus.
This is because they're filled with anty bodies.
Did you hear William Shatner was starting his own underwear line?
But “Shatner Panties” was not a good business.
A woman is pregnant with triplets.
She lives in a terrible neighborhood and one day is caught in the middle of a drive by shooting. She is rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery. When she wakes up the doctor tells her that all of her babies will live, however each one was hit by a bullet and they were unable to remove them. The woman ends up giving birth to two girls and a boy. 13 years later the first daughter approaches her mom and says, "hey, mom, I was going to the bathroom and a bullet came out." So the woman explains to her daughter what happened. A few days later the second daughter approaches her mom and says, "hey, mom, my period just started and a bullet came out." So the woman explains to her daughter what happened. A few days later she sees the son laughing hysterically and approaches him and asks what's the matter. The son replied, "I was masturbating and I shot the dog."
![Me in CS-101 writing my first insertion sort algorithm, 2014 [Colorized]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/no_image_card-4-400x247.png)
“Russian Roulettes are safe”
-5/6 Scientists
My buddy gave me a terrible thesaurus. It was terrible
No text found
What is Forrest Gump’s favorite kind of pasta?
Pen- nay (penne)
When Mozart died, you could hear his music playing backwards at his grave.
He was decomposing.
How can you scare people with your impression of an elephant?
Turn both of your pants pockets inside out, and say, “hey, you ever seen my impression of an elephant?” while reaching for your zipper.
Is buttcheeks spelled as one word?
Or do you have to spread them apart?
Why is it so difficult for a T-Rex to masturbate?
Because they're extinct.
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.
He doesn't know what costume to wear in order to not draw attention to his head or his leg, and he has a month to prepare so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a package with the following letter: "Dear Sir: Please find enclosed a complimentary pirate's costume. The handkerchief can cover your bald head if you'd like, and with your wooden leg you will be a great pirate. Very truly yours, Faye's Costumes" The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg, and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another package and a letter, which says: "Dear Sir: We are quite sorry about the misunderstanding. Please find enclosed a monk costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head you will really look the part. Very truly yours, Faye's Costumes" Now the man is really upset, since they have gone from using his wooden leg to using his bald head! So again he writes the company another letter of complaint, being particularly nasty about how they've failed to meet both conditions with their previous attempts. The next week he gets a much smaller package and a note, which reads: "Dear Sir: You will find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass, and go as a caramel apple. Very truly yours, Faye's Costumes"
The only thing I have planned for today is to get my new glasses
Then I’ll see what happens
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
Its not hard
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise…’
a Country Boy visited the City and met a girl in a Bar who invited him back to her house,
When they got there, she undressed and told him to get naked too. She said: "Let's start with a 69" The Country Boy replied: "What's that?" With that she got him into position, and they went at it Within a minute of starting, the City Girl felt a fart coming on She tried holding it back, but she figured the Country Boy was probably enjoying what she was doing to him and just let it rip Less than a Minute later, she felt another one coming on and since he hadn't said anything, let this one out as well After that, the Country Boy pushed her off, got up, and started getting dressed The City Girl, embarrassed, asked "I guess you didn't like that, huh?" The Country Boy said: "No, it was fine, but I just don't think I could take 67 more of those"
My asian parents are actually very supportive of my career path
They let me pick which medical school I'm going to
