Dumbest super villain of all time
My wife tore a page from the dictionary and locked it in her closet.
I still don't know the hidden meaning behind it.
My AI is aware
Jeopardy had a section called “Ok Boomer”
Doctor: It appears that your DNA is backwards
Told the guy in the computer shop that I wanted a hard drive.
He said I should try when it's icy on the roads.
What happens when you go from a twin size bed to a queen size bed?
you would have more bed room but less bedroom
A guy takes his wife out for the night. They end up at a disco where there’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moon-walking, back flips, every dance move going…
The wife turns to her husband and says, “See that guy on the dance floor? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.” The husband replies, “It looks like he’s still celebrating.”
So I’m in my garage and my wife walks in.
She yells STAMPEDE!!! And threw a handful of animal crackers at me. I'm giggling like a schoolgirl.
I bet my farmer friend $100,000 I could get his cows hooked on weed
The steaks have never been higher
I got pulled over by a traffic cop. He walked up to my window and said, “Papers.” I said, “Scissors, I win!” and I drove off.
He must be desperate for a re-match because he’s been chasing me for ages!
Comments to describe
Pass the bill Mitch!
Is it just me or…
Karen’s an alcoholic.
Fixed it for you lads
“Wanna know something?” asked my girlfriend.
I said, "What is it?" She said, "I saw you sitting in the park. You were reading your autobiography to your ex." "Hmm," I replied. "Really?" She said, "How do you explain yourself?" I said, "Well, if I read it to you perhaps you'll find out."
I wish this was not true.
I put adderall into my Ford Fiesta
Now it’s a Ford Focus
Someday I’ll understand all the memes on here
Why you do this Google?
I had an out of body experience recently.
I was beside myself.
It’s all going according to plan
I would’ve told you a joke about infinity…
But I don't think there's an end to it.
A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer “That’ll be five dollars”, says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.
The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc. The next day, again. On the fourth day, he asks for a beer, and hands the bartender a 10$ bill. The bartender takes advantage of his chance for revenge, throws 20 quarters onto the floor and yells "here's your change asshole!" The guy looks down at the coins and says: "I'll have another beer, please."
I bet it’s the mother
I combined laxatives and alphabet soup.
I call it "Letter Rip."
An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?' The doctor replies, “1500+hp Porsche 917/30. It cost half a million dollars!” 'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?' 'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly. The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?' 'No problem,' replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right… But I'll stick with my Moped!' Just then the light changes, and the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH ! Something whips by him going much faster! 'What on earth could be going faster than my Porsche?' the doctor asks himself. He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Porsche up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Porsche, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the sportscar all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Porsche is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Porsche, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor…. Is there anything I can do for you?' The old man whispers, 'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!'.
I hate people who take drugs.
Like cops, DEA agents…
How many syllables does the word gloria have?
I’m jus sayin
If generosity was the only criteria required for heaven all halogens would be in hell
Where do Squirrels go during Hurricanes?
It depends on which direction the wind is blowing.
I know tiktok bad but holy shit
Not gonna lie edge is pretty good now
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
One takes photos, the other takes five toes!
Is it just me or are circles pointless
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What do you call an evil circle standing up?
A bad circumstance.
Funny yet a realistically sad observation of American healthcare
This is big brain time
What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
I don't know and I don't care.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
There’s an L in Noel even though there is Noel
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More noble professions.
Hard to say because they are all yelling at her
A Mexican guy comes riding up to the border on his bicycle with two big sacks over his shoulders.
He tells the border guard that the sacks are full of sand, but the guard doesn’t believe him. The guard detains the guy, and rips open the bags, but there’s nothing but sand. He even has the sand analyzed, only to find that it really is just sand. And the sack is just a plain sack. Two days later, the same thing happens. And then it happens again, two days after that. Every time, that guy is on the bike carrying nothing but sand. This goes on for seven years. It drives the border guard crazy. He loses his job because of it. One day, he tracks the Mexican guy down and says to him, “I’m no longer a border guard, but I gotta know- what is it that you’re smuggling? Because I know you’re snuggling something.” The bicycle guy smiles at him and says, “Bicycles, sucker.”
Due to the quarantine
I’ll only be telling inside jokes
Why do French riot police leave early for work?
So they can beat the crowd.
Why does every pothead want to be 5’8″ in height?
Then they literally 4'20"
Did you hear the meh French woodworking tourism slogan?
Come see, come saw
How are dad jokes and anti-vaccine kids similar?
They both never get old.
my 7YO hit me with this one this morning
7YO: Knock knock! Me: Who's there? 7YO: Europe Me: Europe who? 7YO: (with mock outrage) I'm not a poo! you're a poo!
“I’m sorry, we don’t serve time travelers here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Found in an antique store today. There was a whole set of them
Girl: come over
Guy: I’m coming over Girl: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy…
There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community… If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy! Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.' 'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.' 'Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.' 'He bested me at every move and I could not continue!' Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. 'I don't have a clue!!!' the Rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.' Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here. 'And then what?' asked a woman. 'Who knows…' said the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!'
Cross post time
A newbee hunter asked a experienced old hunter how to hunt bears
The old man answered:" It is easy, my son. I've hunted hundreds of bears in my life. You just need to grab your gun and take a ride to some mountains nearby. Firsrt, find a cave or stone cavern that might shelter a bear. Second, make some 'Woo! Woo!' sound so that the bear inside would mistake it as a signal of its companion. It would also produce that same sound as a feedback. After it comes out, you just pull the trigger. Easy? " The newbee nodded and exited without coming back for months. After a long time, the old hunter saw that newbee on a street and found him crippled, with an ear lost and an eye blind. He asked him what happened. The newbee says:" I did as what you told me before. But god damn it, when something inside that cavern answered my 'Woo! Woo!', I didn't expect a train would come out and hit me!" PS: I saw this one days ago and translated it from Chinese to English. Might be some grammar errors.
Be honest, you only care about her hole
I guess you could call him multifaceted!
He should’ve bought some of Alex Jones’ toothpaste. 😬
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
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Become a web developer they say, it will be fun they said.