New emoji’s like
A lady was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”
The doctor said to the husband, "don't get too alarmed… She's just having contractions."
You put a nipple on it
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
They were cooked in Greece.
My wife accused me of having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerwchllyndrobwllllandysiliogogogoch.
I said, "How can you say such a thing?!"
Because you can't beat a royal flush.
And we’ve been married more than 27 years!
Don't worry, he was just going through a stage.
Now I've got two half punchers
The food is great and all but there's no atmosphere.
Well maybe if it wasn't forced to have such strict requirements it would be more confident.
But there’s too many drawbacks
Because he pities the fuel.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
I Noah guy.
They were Wright
I wish I could post this in another subreddit.
So he walks out the front door , comes back in and says both.
When it becomes fully groan.
The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?" Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter. Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!". The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."
Because if they lived by the bay they’d be bagels.
Lincoln. Cause he was in a cent.
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
Who knew there was an incorrect way to use a colander….
I hear this year is going to be as big as the last 2 put together.
To stop starting sentences in Meat Loaf's voice.
He said "wii"
I told him I thought the CIA was listening. He laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. “Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?” “There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.” “What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily. “Gold of course”, says the man proudly. The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”
She's googled my name a few times, I saw it through my telescope last night
Unfortunately, too many of them got elected.
Irishman got a job at the zoo, first week there, someone asked him “would you fuck the gorilla for £2,000?”
Irishman said "on three conditions, I don't wanna kiss it, I don't want any of my friends or relatives to find out, and give me a couple of months to get the money together".
They’ll be so disappointed when the finale is not a cliffhanger…
One turns to other and says "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight." Other recruit says "Everyone must be watching the band." "There is no band on this ship." "No, I definitely heard the captain say a band on ship."