New generation
As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with you.
But I can see where you are coming from.
I was attacked by 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me.
The snow yeti stopped doing sas-squats and started doing sit ups.
Now he's the Abdominal Snowman.
My brother didn’t like jail
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own faeces. After that, we never played Monopoly again.
A man, a dog, and a pig wash up on a desert island. (Long)
They are the only living things there, besides some birds and rodents, and soon, they figure out how to work together to survive and not go insane. The dog hunts, the man cooks, and the pig forages for truffles. There are many truffles on this particular island. They have a perfectly functioning life, if a little boring. One afternoon, all three are sitting on the beach, watching the most beautiful sunset they have seen in their lives. And the man starts feeling melancholy. He feels empty, almost, like there is a pit in the bottom of his stomach. He soon realizes that this emptiness can only be fulfilled by a womanly touch. He glances over to the pig, and imagines it as a beautiful, completely stunning woman. He leans in to kiss her, and just as their lips are about to meet, the dog jumps up and starts barking, snapping the man out of his trance. A few weeks later, a woman washes up on shore. She soon becomes an integral part of their small society, looking for food, helping the man skin and cook animals, and being an all-around happy presence on this deserted island. On another afternoon, much like the one previously mentioned, the four are staring out into an incredible sunset, and the man, he starts feeling this feeling again. This feeling of melancholy, that which only a woman can cure. He looks over at the woman who washed up in this island, this beautiful woman, and he says, βDo you mind taking the dog for a walk?β
The amount of bad coronavirus jokes is starting to reach worrying numbers.
Some scientists claim it might become a pundemic.
Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree isnβt my least favorite thing.
But itβs definitely up there.
[At the museum] Her: Do you think we are allowed to take pictures?
Me: No, I think they need to stay on the wall.
βGive it to me now!β She yelled βIβm so wet!β
She can scream all she wants, sheβs not getting my fucking umbrella
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said
"I want you to try to sell this to me." So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home. Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!" I said "$200 and it's yours."
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, βWhat are all those clocks?β St. Peter answered, βThose are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.β βOh,β said the man, βwhose clock is that?β βThatβs Mother Teresaβs. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.β βIncredible,β said the man. βAnd whose clock is that one?β St. Peter responded, βThatβs Abraham Lincolnβs clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.β βWhereβs President Trump clock?β asked the man. βTrump's clock is in Jesusβ office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.β
Don’t belittle kids.
Be tall, it's much better.
I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement.
Well, at least I think they're vegans. They keep shouting : "Lettuce Leaf!"
A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window,
"I want to open a fuckin' checking account" To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?" "Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now." "Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!" The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?" "There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!"Β "I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
I bought a wooden car today.
Wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden wheels, wooden seats, put the wooden key in the wooden ignition. Wooden start.
What do you call a comedian who canβt remember the punchline
Idk Iβm the one whoβs asking
What’s the fastest liquid on earth?
Milk. Its pasteurized before you can see it
I cannot eat shrimp, lobsters and clams that have been cooked by heated water vapor….
I have shellfish steamed issues.
The reaction you get when you simply explain that a Princess is no more than a commercialized product designed to rob hard working parents of their income, and a reminder to all kids that they can accomplish anything in life…as long as theyβre born into wealth and privilege.
https://ift.tt/39ojFTc
This morning at breakfast, my dad looked at us very seriously and said, βIt hurts me when I say this..β
..βBut I have a sore throat.β
Why did the coffee file a police report
It got mugged
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.
He said: "dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
One tectonic plate bumped into another and said…
βSorry, my fault.β
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because theyβre always stuffed.
If Iron Man was a woman…
Would we call her Fe-Male?
A truck full of donkeys passed me on the highway
He was really hauling ass.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It’s OK though…
I know where to draw the line..
People who rob jewelry stores and banks are pretty bad
But people who rob bakeries really take the cake.