What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.
I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock.
Then I realised the telly wasn't on.
What did one plate say to the other plate?
Dinner is on me
Harry Potter walks into a bar.
Because I put them on his bedroom window.
An Italian guy, a Polish guy, and a Japanese guy all apply for a job at an office.
The manager hires all three and tells the Italian, "Ok, you take care of the inventory". Tells the Polish guy, "You take care of accounting" and tells the Japanese guy, "You take care of supplies." The manager comes back after an hour and sees the Italian guy and the Polish guy working, but he can't find the Japanese guy anywhere. So all of them start looking for him. After hours of searching, they still can't find him so they give up and turn to go home for the evening when suddenly, the Japanese guy jumps out of nowhere and screams "SUPPLIES!!!!"
Made a little something you can send to people who should just use a search engine
https://ift.tt/3h73Eon
I saw an amateur ventriloquist the other night.
The performance was a little wooden.
Why are Canadians so good at sports?
They always bring their eh game
I went to see an Egyptian doctor to try and fix my back…
He's a Cairo-practor…
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and thereâs a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.
Heâs been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesnât have the courage to start talking to her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her. The redhead is mortified. âOh my, I am so sorry,â she says as she pops her eye back into place. âLet me buy your dinner to make it up to you.â So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place. He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He canât believe his luck. âYou know,â he said, âyou are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?â âNo,â she replies, âYou just happened to catch my eye.â
My family treats me like a God
They forget that I exist unless they want something
Iâve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.
I wonât rest until I find it.
My wife didnât think Iâd give our daughter a silly name.
But I decided to call her Bluff.
Man, on a first date: How do you feel about sex? Woman: I like it infrequently.
Man: I see. Is that one word or two?
What did the Reddit user say after detonating a bomb in a bank?
Edit: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold kind stranger!
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
My son asked me where pooh came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
A little perplexed he stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and then asked, âand tigger?â
Why are people in New York always so sad?
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey
Canada could have had it all: American industry, British Culture, and French Cuisine.
Instead, they got: French Industry, American culture, and British cuisine
A woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap.
"Because he used to live in a brothel," says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
I got fired from the sperm bank today
Cause every time someone walked in I'd say "get a load of this guy"
What do you call the wife of a hippie?
Mississippi.
My wife claims that Iâm the cheapest person she has ever met.
Iâm not buying it.
What do you call a cousin-fucker in the U.S?
A redneck. What do you call a cousin-fucker in Europe? Your Majesty.
“Dad, was I adopted as a child?”
The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully: "We tried, but nobody would take you"
I went to the local Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting last night
but all the seats were taken.
It was a sad day on Sunday
But the day before was a Saturday.
A little girl goes into a pet shop and says ‘One wabbit pwease’
"Aww" says the shopkeeper "would you like the little brown bunny, the fuzzy white bunny, or this cute spotted fella here?" "I don't fink my pwython gives a fuck" the girl replies.
My deaf wife just told me that âwe need to talk.â
That was not a good sign.
I get embarrassed when my dog sniffs peoples’ crotch
Especially because he's a chihuahua and I have to lift him up.
Be careful today when searching “Giant Black Hole Pics”
All I keep getting are scientific articles.