What does a frog do with a piece of paper?
Rip it! 6 year old son just came up with this. I'm sure he's not the first to think of it, but he came up with it on his own and i got a good chuckle out of it. 🙂
If police never did wrong, people would trust them
Nobody ever made a song called “Fuck The Fire Department” ….
Argentina is kind of cold this time of year…
In fact, it’s borderline Chile.
A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1…
He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she… ahem… rewards him… then he steps on the scale. He lost 1 pound! As he leaves he sees a new sign next door. "Lose 2 pounds for $2". He pays, enters. This time there are two gorgeous naked women in running shoes. They say "Better start running." He does, chasing them around the track. Two hours later he catches them. He is doubly… rewarded. On his way out the scale shows he lost 2 pounds! The man leaves. Sure enough, next door there is a final sign: "Lose 3 pounds for $3." By now the fat man is exhausted and can barely walk… but he cannot resist. He pays and enters. The door slams shut behind him and locks. Alone on the running track is a 6'4" muscular male body builder, naked except for running shoes. The naked athlete points down at his enormous erection, smiles at the fat man and says… "Better start running."
Been out washing the car with my son.
He said Dad why don’t you use a sponge like the other dads?
I started carrying a knife on me after an attempted mugging three years ago.
since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.
An egyptian mother tells his son “im a proud mummy”
No text found
Scientists definitively confirmed today that anteaters are incapable of contracting coronavirus.
This is because they're filled with anty bodies.
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.
Must be the high Mercury content.
Why did the blind girl fall into the well?
She couldn’t see that well
Where does Black Panther stay when he’s in New York?
His wakondo.
I just got hired at a company that makes bicycle wheels!!
I’m the spokesperson
To the person who stole my glasses
I will find you. I have contacts.
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it is cheaper.
If someone gave you $1,000,000 to replace their fuse…
would you refuse?
My wife and I decided not to have kids
The kids are taking it pretty badly
Why did the scarecrow get an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.
Turns out she felt the same way. So I turned the airconditioning on.
My 4-year-old nephew has been learning Spanish since lockdown.
He can’t say ‘please’ which I think is poor for four
Why do fish fail in school?
They are below the C level.
When you eat something sour and you’re too afraid to swallow it and there’s nowhere to spit it out
When you eat something sour and you’re too afraid to swallow it and there’s nowhere to spit it out
I call my horse Mayo.
Sometimes Mayo neighs.
I called the doctor, “My Wife is going into labor! What should I do?”
“Is this her first child?” He asks. “No this is her Husband.”
Sherlock Holmes and John Watson go on a camping trip
Sherlock Holmes and John Watson go on a camping trip. In the middle of the night, Sherlock wakes up John and says, "Watson, what do you see when you look up at the sky?" Watson looks up and says, "I see millions of stars." Sherlock says, "Well, what can you deduce from that?" After a moment's thought, Watson says, "Since there are so many stars,logically some of them must have planets orbiting them. And if some of those stars have planets, logically some must be able to support life. And if some could support life, logically some must. Therefore, I deduce that we are not alone in the universe. What do you think?" Sherlock says, "No, Watson, you idiot, it means somebody stole our tent."
A man gives his wife blood to keep her alive.
Later they split up, man says, I want my fucking blood back, wife throws a tampon at him and says I'll pay monthly.
While wandering in the desert I came across a lamp (xPost)
http://bit.ly/2WXImOS
What does a pregnant teenage girl and her baby have in common?
They're both thinking "Oh shit, my mom is gonna kill me."
You ever look at an ancient watering hole and go
“This aged well.”
A flat-earther’s greatest fear is…
Sphere itself.
How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the light bulb really has to WANT to change 😏😏
What do you call a dinosaur with shoes on?
Zapatosaurus