How are one handed people so independent?
Because they do everything single-handedly.
A sweet, little old lady walks into a bar frequented by the baddest biker gang around.
She walks up to the leader, a real mountain of a man, and say she wants to join. He can barely contain his laughter, and decides to have some fun with her before he tells her off. "Do you even own a bike?" he asks. "I do. It's parked right outside." "Do you swear?" "More than a fucking sailor." She says. "Do you drink?" "Like a fish." The leader is surprisingly impressed, and asks one more question. "Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The old lady thinks for a minute, and then says "No, but I've been swung around by the nipples before."
At the Olympics I saw an athletic guy carrying a long stick and asked him, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
He looked surprised and said, "Nein, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"
Haunted French Pancakes…
….really give me the crêpes.
Australians don’t have sex
Australians mate
What is it called when two flowers have an unplanned pregnancy?
An Oopsie-daisy!
I got caught masturbating with a pickle.
I was Gherkin off
Why did the sun never go to college?
It already has thousands of degrees.
How did glue win the marathon?
He paste himself.
I have a scary joke about math but…
I’m 22 to say it.
My bank recently called me to let me know I had an outstanding balance
I replied "Thank you, I used to do gymnastics" and hung up the phone. That was nice of them to say.
Why did The Rock break up with his girlfriend?
Because she took him for granite.
What did the Mexican say when the two houses fell on him?
Get off me, homes.
If it helps others or those less fortunate, then he will always ignore the problem
https://ift.tt/39jutk7
As I was racking up to shoot some pool with my son, he said, “Do you wanna break?”
I said, “We just got here. How lazy are you?”
Underage drinking is a massive problem in my house.
My son's been drinking whisky that's only aged for two years. He's the dumbest thirteen-year-old I've ever met.
Why don’t vegetarians moan during sex?
They don’t want to admit that a piece a meat makes them happy
The show COPS has been dropped from broadcast
honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras.
Went to the zoo yesterday with my family and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity
My dad made his first dad joke in a long time
For context: we have a vegetable garden and a dog named Max During dinner, my mom remarked how her stir fry was made almost entirely out of vegetables from our garden except the eggs, to which my dad said “well then we’ll just have to raise some chickens.” I reply, “well what about Max?”, implying that he might attack the chickens. And without hesitation my dad replies, “well he can’t lay eggs”
My 7yo just pulled an UNO reverse dad joke on me.
Homework time.. complaining, I don’t wanna, etc. Me: Nicky, I’m getting upset. Nicky: Well, hello, Getting Upset, I’m Nicky. Then he dabbed and walked away. Nothing in my life has prepared me for this.
My wife got mad at me for kicking the dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator.
But now it’s all water under the fridge.
Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.
If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.
Who do you call when you break your toe?
The Toe Truck (Tow Truck)
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill anymore.
So I sent him a card, “Get well soon.”
I told my wife to shave her pussy
and I woke up bald
How many “friendzoned” nice guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they'll just compliment it for hours and get pissed when it won't screw.
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to test their reflexes.
He really gets a kick out of it.
Most people know that Sin City is Vegas… But do they know what Den City is?
Mass divided by volume
This is on my 600 pound life. I’ve never seen someone with an overweight forehead before.
https://ift.tt/37rGxiU
Why did the rapper go to the grocery store?
To get some fresh beets
If a blind girl tells you your dick is the biggest she’s ever felt
She's probably pulling your leg.
Oh god guys, I’m hearing a noise up stairs
Really hope that it isn’t Christopher Robin my house