New to Programming. Does this feeling ever wear off?
My Papa and his political shirts again!
I told my Asian parents that I am Asexual
They were disappointed that I wasn't A+sexual.
yeah, that’s fine
Did you know Bill Burr has a brother that is a lumberjack?
His name is Tim
Contain the spread.
Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It's really time consuming. Especially if you go for seconds.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face ?
Because it's the scenter
behind every great developer there’s ….
How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?
Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.
Kids these days.
This ones not that bad
LoCkEr RoOm TaLk
Donno if this is posted here before. Just gonna upload(not mine)
Cockroaches can survive a nuclear holocaust but can’t survive a slap from a newspaper.
That shows how toxic the media is.
Such is life in JS world
“Pathetic, I raised half a town.”
Wife = bad
Just CSS things :D
Just a socal experiment to see if it’s possible. (Democrats only)
A man applies for a job as a lumberjack
Well sir, do you have any lumber jacking experience? Yes. I was part of an elite team of lumberjacks who worked on the largest lumberjacking project ever for nearly 3 years. Oh. You don't say? Where exactly was it you worked? The Sahara Forest in Africa, Sir. The Sahara Forest? Don't you mean the Sahara desert? Well sure, that's what they call it now.
Exercising after physics class was a bad idea
A 7 yr old and a 4 yr old are in their bedroom…
The 7 yr old looks at his brother and says, "I think it's time we start swearing" The brother nods in agreement. "When we go downstairs, I'll be the first to swear and then you swear" says the 7 yr old. The two brothers go downstairs and the mother asks what they want for breakfast. "I'll have a bowl of cocoa puffs, bitch!" The mother smacks the kid so hard that he flies out of his chair. The mother asks the 4 yr old what he wants. Stunned, the 4 yr old says, "I don't know, but it won't be fucking cocoa puffs!"
More like Ron Burnman …
Republicans be like “It’s my AMERICAN RIGHT to be able to choose to pay for insurance!”
Ah yes, that will be helpful …
Doctor: your brain fell out during the accident but don’t worry I put it back in
Me: thanks for reminding me
I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.
It was a risk I was willing to take.
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I’m nervous she won’t be able to pull it off.
I always knock on the fridge door…
You never know when there may be a salad dressing.
I’m very generous when it comes to giving to charity.
I always say, "No, thank you. I'm not interested. But thank you for considering me, good day."
Irony is dead of a self inflicted gunshot wound
We used to at least agree on reality….
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When the punch line becomes apparent. My kids hate this one and I can't stop laughing at it…
The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it’s time for a change
After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off they go! After a while the Pope ask the drive to pullover: – Young man, could you please drive along the smaller roads? I wanted to see more of the country, not the highway. – But your Holiness, this is the most efficient route. -Yes, but I don't want to take it. -Why not, your Holiness? – Like I said, because I … Oh just get out I'll drive. Now that he's driving himself and wherever he wants, the Pope is having a blast. The driver, who's now in the backseat, is somewhat disgruntled but resigns to his fate and enjoys the view. Near the Austrian border, road works lead the Pope back on the highway. And on this splendid highway, in this amazingly powerful car, the Pope starts to feel the need for speed. But that would be sinful. No no no he can't give in. At this moment, the driver pitches in 'Your Holiness, there are no speed limits on German highways'. Hearing this, the Pope unleashes his long dormant powers of a race pilot and floors it. The car almost leaps with enthusiasm that it can finally show what it can really do. As if by divine intervention all the cars in front of them give way and the car reaches its speed limit, just as it crosses the border with Austria. Within minutes the car is swarmed with police and first responders, tv helicopters are starting to circle. Seeing this Pandemonium, the Pope thinks that his free time has come to an end and pulls over. Several police officers hastily walk over to the driver’s door. The Pope lowers his window and looks up to them with a faint smile. Suddenly the police officers feel very much out of their depth and decide to call the Chief of Police: – Sir, a German car crossed the border at more than twice the speed limit and now we are not sure how to handle it. – What do you mean, you are not sure? Apprehend it! – Yes sir. We got the car sir. But it's seems to belong to someone very important. – Oh. Yes, that might complicate it. Is it a congressman? – No sir, much higher. – Higher? What did you apprehend Angela Merkel? -No, sir. We think still higher, sir. -Higher?! Bloody hell do you think it's God perhaps? – Well sir, the Pope is driving him. Edit: spelling
Did you hear about the archaeologist that got arrested?
His career is now in ruins.
Was Just showing my dad my new living space. He asked “what’s upstairs?”
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk”
Why can’t chickens tell time properly?
They don't have enough bucks to buy clucks.
Though shall not speak the truth
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm…
And says "A beer please and one for the road."
(NSFW) I just heard a joke about Oedipus and Midas
It was Motherfucking Gold.
4 people on a raft each have a cigarette but no way to light them. One of them throws their cigarette over board..
And the raft becomes a cigarette lighter
At least we can go to the gym after…oh wait
im blue da ba dee da ba daa
Oh, Susan, poor Susan
The Great American Debate
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?
He had locomotives
The vacuum is a bit dated don’t you think?
I was walking along the other day and stepped in dog shit.
As I was wiping my shoe, I watched another guy also step in it. I said to him "I just did that". He walked over, punched me in the face and screamed, "You disgusting bastard!".
Snowman gettin it
I tripped in France
My wife claims that a man in camouflage is really sexy.
I just don’t see it.
I heard Apple is developing a new car
But they were having trouble installing windows.
An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two moths.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge." "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
I appreciate his optimistic attitude.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
How does music say goodbye
The truth is in there somewhere
I can’t find my gone in 60 seconds dvd.
It was here a minute ago
Patriotism Vs. Nationalism, apparently we need the reminder.
I have a russian friend who’s a sound engineer.
And a Czech one too, and a Czech one too.
Why should you never buy a dog from a blacksmith???
Because as soon as you take the dog home it makes a bolt for the door.
This dumb but a good pun
Reality is often disappointing
Get it? Lol funny manipulative partner
Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person
"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf Hitler, 1945