New tumblr rules require you to tell everyone why you reblogged a post.
When I first saw an universal remote control…
I thought to myself: "Well… This changes everything"
It was Mike the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar." The lady then added, "The breakfast was my idea."
How do trees 🎄 access internet?
They log in
If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss
What does smoking marijuana do?
Enter Ernest Rutherford
That was painful to read
I hope she realises that ‘R’ is constant in the equation but not her boyfriend
Never accepted as programming language!!
What’s the difference between a tuna, a piano, and an owl?
You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna.
Two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14..
One day, two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14, came home with a 20 and 50 euro note. Their mother asked them where they got all that money from. "Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left," said the 12-year-old. "We told him that we knew where he had been, so he asked us not to reveal anything and gave us 20 euros." "Then we followed the man," said the other boy, "and when he came to his house we told him that now we also knew where he lived. Then he gave us another 50 euros and begged us to keep quiet." "That's a truly awful behaviour," the mother replied. "You really should be ashamed of yourselves and feel sorry for the man. Off you go to confession in the church." The boys did what they were told and went to the Church, to confess and atone before the priest. After a while they came back with 100 euros, because now they also knew where the man worked!
Pass the bill Mitch!
Drug dealing bad?
Dumbest super villain of all time
Met a beautiful girl at the park today..
Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser.
I ordered rabbit stew at a pub the other day…
The server drops the rabbit stew off at my table and starts walking away. I call him back and say, "There's a hare in my stew."
Poor blind dog doesn’t know the couch is gone
Glad to see my Buddhist friends join and chant in the protests
Everyone knows the more Ohms- the greater the resistance.
I’ve failed in Maths more times than I can count.
No text found
A Priest, an Imam, and a Rabbit walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "I think there's a typo hare".
I asked my wife to dress as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun
I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked, "Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed, "Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"
Well It’s 1 for the Money, 2 For the Show, 3 To Get Ready…..
4 For Sales 5 For Customer Service or 6 to hear these options again
“Hey Watson, is that mud on our boots?”
“No, shit, Sherlock.”
What’s the difference between hungry and horny?
Where you put the cucumber
How do celebrities stay cool?
They have many fans.
GOP needs a new talking point….
I’m just going to get some cigarettes
I’ll be right back
Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.
…after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued. Carl continues: "For the last five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it." So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?" Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers." Jim, disgusted, says "You have got to be kidding me!" And Carl says "I shit. You knot."
There have always been sides
US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.
The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.
10/10 would read
“To be, or not to be, that is the Question” -Schrodinger’s Cat in the Box
They say there is a 50/50 chance to have a female on the opposite side of the gloryhole
Right now I really hope that is a woman's penis
I walked into a room full of men masturbating
They all looked shocked when I didn't stop
I was watching a porno the other day and it was just a guy crying and wanking
Then I realized I hadn't turned the TV on.
Thoughts and Prayers good, phones bad
Have you tried plugging it in?
What do you call nun in heaven?
if you guessed "heaven nun" or "Angel nun" you are wrong. The answer is "nun of the above" !
Lucky Mr. Jones
It do be like that
If you post this meme on FB, your account gets disabled for 30 days.
Coming back to work after a one week vacation
If it’s war he wants..
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed."
My niece’s Escape from CV game, complete with Target runs.
Ice Ice Baby
When non-tech people ask me to describe my job
Driving past a farm, I said to the kids, “Those are expert horses…”
"… They're out standing in their field."
People were dying…
…to meet the new mortician…
Why did the sculpter evacuate his house?
He had a mold problem
Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
is this even
This should be illegal
Every psychic I visit is either really angry or really sad.
I’d like to find a happy medium.
When truth is not what is Wanted..
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity!
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people
Why did Karen press ctrl + alt + delete?
She wanted to see the task manager
Bet it’s forgotten in 3 months.
Being Different = Bad
My girlfriend broke up with me when she went away to college.
She said she was majoring in bye-ology.
The Onion is a Savage.
straight from funny
What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters. By the way…
…that was not a question.
Man Bad Poop Good.