new way bad, hard way good
Joseph Stalin is giving a speech to his army.
When all of the sudden in the midst of a paticularly moving segment, he hears a loud, uproarious sneeze coming from amongst the crowd. Stalin stops speaking, glares at the soldiers, becomes very visibly annoyed, and says "Who sneezed?…" All of the soldiers don't say anything, some of them start to sweat and others nervously glance around. After a brief moment Stalin motions towards a few soldiers with him on the stage. "Execute the first row…" he commands, and the soldiers on stage begin opening fire at the first row of troops on the ground. "I'll ask again, who sneezed?" says Stalin. Another pause, and no one speaks up. Finally Stalin says "Execute the…" but before he can finish, a soldier about 4 rows back raises his hand and says "It was me General Secretary Stalin! I'm the one who sneezed." Stalin then stares cold and hard at the soldier who spoke up for an uncomfortable amount of time, before he leans towards his microphone and says "Bless you."
Open for business
windows are expensive these days
Our memory that we have.
fresh off facebook
Code from the product my company sells…
Everyone keeps telling me I’m the worst mailman they have ever seen…
Sorry! I meant to post this somewhere else…
“Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in reading!”
Dad: That’s a D, idiot.
What an inspirational quote
Seems pretty accurate…
Bernie wants to abolish an 18th century abomination
Roses are black, violets are black
I suck at gardening
“You look like a guy I dated once,” said this woman in a bar.
I said, "Oh…really?" She said, "Yeah. I didn't see him a second time because I thought he was ugly."
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I’d choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
Staying at home
A zombie is trying to get his kid to eat their dinner
"Eat your food, there's people in America with no brains at all"
That razzle dazzle
The lack of self awareness is truly astounding
How does Bono spell “color”?
With or without "u"
Dunno what to call this? Reverse boomerism?
Why does he look like he hates his life?
Saw the ending on a tweet
What lies on the ground 100ft in the air?
A dead centipede
What should you do if you see a famous person at a water park?
Ask them for their watergraph.
After 150 days off flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded then to go forth and multiply.
After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about. "Why have you not multiplied?" he asked. To which the snakes responded, "we can't, we're adders." Noah being a quick thinker went off into the woods to fell some trees, and fastened them together into a platform. He then placed the snakes on the platform and lo and behold the snakes immediately laid a clutch of eggs Because you see, even adders can multiply on a log table
You know what happens every time I tell Dad Jokes?
He usually laughs.
what’s your previous
In college, all the fraternities rejected me because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
I’m tired of hearing people say that age is just a number
When it's clearly a word!
Some guy came up to me and said, “I haven’t gone to the bathroom in two years.”
I said, "you're full of crap"
Alexa bad, absurdly long times good
One day we’ll find a cure!
I recently took a pole and 100% of the people…
…were upset when their tent collapsed
So my dad just sendt me this.
The most impractical way to code… ever
A man goes to join an order of monks.
A man goes to join an order of monks. The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years." The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order. 15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?". The man responds, "The porridge could do with a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away. Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?". "The bed sheets are a bit thin." Replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement. Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?". "Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man. "Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but fucking complain since you got here."
If your phone auto corrects “fuck” to “duck,” it’s okay to keep it
It’s still fowl language
Christianity’s only hope!
Drink wine, ignore family
My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?” He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there”.
He Sweats Fear…
If you are addicted to masturbation, talk to a priest.
He'll be happy to help you beat it.
My teacher says I’m pretty good at addition but I’m terrible at subtraction.
I don't get the difference.
what’s consuming all of the RAM?
Turned up late to a cannibal lunch…
Got the cold shoulder 🙁
“ Look at that zoomer he ain’t on his phone “
Some possible names for a Jewish restaurant:
Lots O' Matzoh Spin the Ladle Latkes of Love And for vegans: Soy Vey!
A guy asks a woman “Would you have sex with me for a million dollars?”
She replies, "Well, to be honest, at that price, the answer would have to be yes." "Well would you do it for five dollars?" "NO! What do you think I am?" "We've already established what you are. Now we're just haggling over price."
Just in time for the holidays
Your savior is here
I need this mug for my cubicle
Karma Has a Great Sense of Humor
im blue da ba dee da ba daa
My sister: Wow dad, you smell good
Dad: I know, it’s because I use both of my nostrils
Why is “the mall” called “the mall?”
Because you don't just shop at one store, you shop at THEM-ALL
How can you tell when a vampire’s sick ?
Because of the coffin.
I switched pens in Kyle’s Gouache set [OC]
How it feels like in university
A logical map of conspiracy theories
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
A young man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess”.
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The young man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again the young man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Next the frog yells, "Okay okay, If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you FOREVER and do ANYTHING you want." Again the young man took the frog out, then he chuckled at it and put it back in his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you forever, and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The young man said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."