New??!!
Therapists only want one thing
and it's fucking discussing.
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked
To the person who stole my glasses IM WARNING YOU!!
I have contacts
My drug test came back negative
My dealer sure has some explaining to do..
[NSFW] A man, a dog, and a pig wash up on a deserted island.
They're there for several years, until one day the man gets desperate, takes off his trousers, and tries to mount the pig. The dog, however, starts growling at him and baring its teeth, so he stops. A few weeks later he tries again, but this time the dog bites him on the arm until he stops. Later, a beautiful woman washes up on the beach. The man nurses her back to health and provides her food. One day, she asks if there's anything she can do for him." "Anything?" "Anything." "Well there was one thing." "Oh? What was it?" "Can you take that fucking dog for a walk?"
What do you call a cow that gives no milk
An udder failure
I saw a sign that said ‘do not touch’, however there was something weird about the sign….
I couldn't put my finger on it….
I work in a kitchen in a local restaurant, today I tried to start a food-fight with the other chef…
I threw some spaghetti her way, but it went right pasta.
I can eat sugar with either hand…
I'm ambidextrose!
A guy marvels at himself in the mirror
Guy: "Ah just three more inches and I'd be KING" His wife on the bed behind him: "Three inches less and you'd be QUEEN"
A man takes his seat at the Superbowl. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the Superbowl?” The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five Superbowls together, but sadly she passed away.” The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?” The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
I dreamed I saw a color I never saw before
It was just a pigment of my imagination.
I was putting the outlet cover back on the wall while my wife was working at the computer with her back to me…
She said “what are you doing? What is that noise?” I said “I’ve been screwing around behind your back.” She whipped around in shock and saw me, screwdriver in hand, screwing in the outlet cover. I found it way more entertaining then she did.
My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop pointing out random exits and entrances
I said: "There's the door"
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
Her: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?
I asked my Chinese friend what it’s like living in China
He says he can't complain.
Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction,
and name it ElonGates.
What’s the difference between “comma” and “coma”?
The length of the pause.
A bar walks into Albert Einstein.
Oops, wrong frame of reference.
Think you know everything about the letter t?
That's just the half of it.
I’m sick of all these people saying cats are liquid.
They're obviously non-Mewtonian.
Is “buttcheeks” one word?
Or should I spread them apart
Sadly I think my family are a bunch of racists.
I started dating a black girl recently, so I decided to bring her home to meet the family. The kids wouldn't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.
What do you call a communist during winter?
A snowviet
What did the pilot say when I opened the window?
WHAT?! I CANT HEAR YOU!
“Son, I found a condom in your room.” “Gee thanks, Grandpa!”
“Why are you calling me Grandpa?” “Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.