News people lie always

…were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors. The Russian said “ I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.” He calls a sailor over and says “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up”. The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes. The Russian says “ That gentleman is courage" The American says that's nothing.He calls over a PO and says “ I want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return" The PO salutes jumps of the bow swims to the stern and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes. The American says “ That gentleman is courage" The British admiral says “ That's nothing. Sailor come here" The matelot comes to attention and salutes. The admiral says “I want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again" The matelot looks at the admiral and says “You can fuck right off" The admiral turns to the other two and says “ And that gentleman is courage"

He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." Saying so, he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation and leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and fucks her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her n every position right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the fucking dishes."

Its like she's never seen a penis before.

4G must've fried their brains.

I dunno but I really do hope that thing doesn't bite…

An old woman came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

A roamin' Catholic!

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"Do not touch"

The first woman teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands slowly and carefully inside. She then administered a tender and skillful massage for several long moments and softly asked 'How does that feel'? Feels wonderful, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!

I have a complex complex complex

I now live in constant fear

Judge: “First offender?” Lady: “No first a Gibson, then a Fender.”

A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce. Attorney: "May I help you?" Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces". Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?" Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres." Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?" Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere." Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays." Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning." Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?" Hillbilly: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce."

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked, "Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed, "Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, “Yes, I am.” The officer then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. The man answers, “Sure, hold on a second.” The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, “I’m sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train.” ​ The man says, “I know, but she has a good personality.”

He’s been looking for a condom that fits like a glove.