Newsweek is ok Donald, you’re probably thinking of some other business
Strong Young Man
A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see you do it." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Idiot, get in."
I asked the toy store assistant where the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures were…
She replied, "Aisle B, back!"
What’s the national bird of Syria?
American drone.
16 sodium atoms walk into a bar…
Followed by Batman.
How do you cut the ocean in half?
A sea-saw…
Why do elephants drink?
To forget
Why did Martin Luther King Jr. get an A in math?
He was good at finding solutions to inequalities.
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian
Then Soviet
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor?
Laughing stock
A man is in court. The Judges says,”on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?”
"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "….. and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead"? "Guilty", said the man in the dock. Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat"!! At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?" He replied "He is my next door neighbor". The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments". The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one"!!!
I love how earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
Two Nuns are ordered to paint a room
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side. The two nuns look at each other and shrug; deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice tits," says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"
Grandma took my weed so I took her wheelchair.
Neither of us is rolling.
My wife tells me I should never steal kitchen utensils…
…but it's a whisk that I'm willing to take
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…
I’m not sure what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.
Why did the English teacher break up with the physics teacher?
There was no chemistry
What gender is google?
Female, she doesn’t let you finish your sentence before suggesting something.
I can make the boss give me the day off.
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
Imagine what would happen if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion!
A platypus walks into a bar where the bartender is a duck.
He finished his drink, and asked for his check. Duck billed platypus.
Trump tried to kill himself and failed
it was a fake noose
Several scientists were all posed the following question: “What is 2 * 2 ?”
The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces, “3.99” The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces, “It lies between 3.98 and 4.02” The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces, “I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!” Philosopher smiles, “But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?” Logician replies, “Please define 2 * 2 more precisely.” The sociologist, “I don't know, but is was nice talking about it.” Behavioral Ecologist, “A polygamous mating system.” Medical Student, “4” All others looking astonished, “How did you know ?” Medical Student, “I memorized it.”
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday.
Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
I have no problem getting dates online.
I also have great luck with pistachios, cashews and almonds.
Peanut oil is made from peanuts. Olive oil is from olives..
I'm not ever buying any more baby oil.
My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
It was the end of my Korea. I'm still China find another job.
