Next day delivery
My phone just told me “I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley.”
It must be in Airplane! mode.
I go to the doctor and he asks for a stool sample.
I pull out a small chair from my bag. The doctor yells at me for wasting his time and kicks me out of his office. I go home still not knowing why I'm shitting furniture. My nightmare continues.
After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,…
…as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me". "Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1" "2" "3" "4" "5" At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
Spent an hour at the wifeβs grave tonight.
Bless her, she still thinks Iβm digging a pond.
A wheat farmer has a headache and all his crops disappear
Ahh Migraines!
I just flew in from Chernobyl
And boy are my arms legs
Dad: “Knock, knock!” Kid: “Who’s there?”
Dad: Spell! Kid: Spell who? Dad: W… H… O…
Why do teenage girls always walk around in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
Triple JAVA – me coding Java, whilst drinking Java and being in Java, Indonesia
https://ift.tt/2RX5hLx
In college, all the fraternities rejected me because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile…
In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults. One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacherβs snare. The two young men, sympathetic to a creature in need, approached the crocodile and released it from the trap. Once freed, the crocodile transformed into a wispy, glowing fairy! βThank you, young menβ said the fairy, βYour hearts are truly selfless, and I will grant each of you one wish. What are your names?β βThis is my friend Set, and you can call me βEpββ, said Amenhotep. βVery well, Epβ said the fairy βWhat is the desire of your heart?β βI wish I was the strongest man in the world!β Amenhotep wished. βVery wellβ, said the fairy, βbut you must always use your strength to help others.β Smoke gathered around Amenhotep, and when the smoke cleared Ep was 7 foot six and rippling with muscles. The fairy turned to Set βAnd what is your wish, Set?β Set responded βI never want to be poor again! I wish for money!β βVery well,β said the fairy. Smoke gathered in front of the two of them, and when the smoke cleared a small elf remained, bowing to the two boys. βGreetings, sirs! My name is Elmon, and I am here to serve!β βElmon is an expert in all things money,β said the fairy, βHe will help you make wise decisions and turn any business profitable, but will only help you so long as he is only asked to do good for your fellow man.β Amenhotep and Set were inseparable. True to his word, Amenhotep used his great strength to build many houses for people in need. Set helped, as well, but his comparatively small size next to the now massive Amenhotep earned him the nickname βImpβ. With Elmonβs financial savvy, the two started a non-profit dedicated to building houses for the less fortunate, and Elmon kept all their paperwork in perfect order. Years passed, and the two lived very fulfilling lives helping the homeless. Amenhotep met a girl while building houses and the two got married and had a beautiful baby boy, Josep. Ep and Setβs business expanded globally. 15 years passed and Amenhotep grew kinder and more generous, giving to people in need at any of the places he went to build houses. Set built a campus in Cairo for the headquarters of their business, and directed global efforts. Over the years, Set lost touch with the people he was helping, and became more focused on business expansion and money of the business. As all fathers do, Amenhotep wanted his son to eventually take over the business and help the next generation of needful people find purpose in their lives. He sent Josep to the the HQ in Cairo to learn business from Set. Once there, Josep was surprised to find that much of the financial success was due in large part to the financial savvy of Elmon, the elf. Josep spent months at HQ learning how to run the business. While there, Set decided that it was time to expand the company into a more profitable venture. Instead of building houses for the needy, he drafted up a plan to buy up land around urban areas and construct rental properties at expensive prices while preventing construction of new, affordable housing. He sent Josep with the proposal to Elmon to determine the financial logistics. Upon reading the proposal and its ill-natureβs effect on Setβs fellow man, Elmon keeled over and died, instantly. Josep was shocked, and ran to alert Set right away, who wailed in dismay at the loss of his financial mastermind. In a rage, he accused Josep of killing Elmon, and sent the teenager to jail. Amenhotep, hearing of the distress, caught the first flight back to Cairo to find himself neck-deep in a legal battle between him and his old friend. Without the financial and legal savvy of Elmon, Setβs case was a mess. Amenhotep, distraught, tried to reason with his childhood friend. βCome, Imp, release my boy and call off the lawsuit. Letβs use our energy to help those in need and not further what we both know is a fruitless path.β Set refused, furiously gathering circumstantial evidence to bring to the court to frame Josep for Elmonβs murder. The case was brought before the court, but Setβs claims were weak and unsupported. The judge, thoroughly disgusted with the lack of evidence from the prosecution, dismissed the case outright. Obviously, Epβs teen didnβt kill Impβs elf.
Mess up the formatting
How do you ruin a joke?
My wife is mad at me, says I have no sense of direction…
So I packed all my bags and right.
You can never run through campgrounds
You can only ran, because itβs past tents
I started lifting with only dictionaries
I wanted to add definition to my muscles
Two artists had an art contest. How did it end?
It ended in a draw.
A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick.
Master: Hey boy, what do you got there? Dog: Bark Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark? Dog: Ruff Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there? Dog: With the ladder
I usually wear 2 pairs of pants when I go golfing
Last time I got a hole in one
What do you call it when Batman skips out on church?
Christian Bale.
I went to a premature ejaculator’s support group today.
Turns out I came early.
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
Why China is arresting people for spreading misinformation?
Because spreading misinformation is government's job.
Innovative Solutions
In order to streamline my work from home process, I’ve hired my cat as a part-time advisor.User: My laptop won’t connect to the VPN.Me: Consults my advisorMe: Have you tried pushing it off of the table and onto the floor?
What’s a horny pirate’s worst nightmare?
A sunken chest with no booty!
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
Everybody is shocked….
When they realize Iβm not an electrician.
Teenage boy: “Dad, what’s a vagina look like?”
Father: "Well son, before sex it's a delicate little thing. Almost like a tulip that hasn't fully bloomed". Boy: "What about after sex?" Father: "You ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
What is a pirate’s favorite type of music?
You would think it'd be ARR and B, but it turns out he's very into hip hop.
We’ll we’ll we’ll
If it isn't autocorrect