She must have called in thick
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. Edit: I do now realize I misspelled Gandhi. I cannot edit the title, just know that I see it and am sorry.
and a Czech one too.
You don't want to press your luck…
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years. “This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid. “And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
"Because she's only three." I answered.
So when they return to port, they can Scandinavian!
Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”
His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.” “That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.” “He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.” So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law and says, “Did you see the ball?” “Of course I did!” Answers the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.” “Where did it go?” Arthur asks. “I don’t remember.”
I remember it like it was yesterday.
She's easy to turn on, gets hot quick, and if you put a baby in her she'll kill it. .
Beethoven's final movement
I don't know, they just ransomware.
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3 Me: There you go. So, what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."
I told my wife I had the body of a young muscled and sexy man, she laughed real hard and me fun of me
Until she looked in the closet
"Add some jam on it," he continued (Smh this wasn't appreciated enough at r/jokes)
I said, “You’ll come around eventually.”
And she'll kill me if she finds out.
To look more ap-peel-ing!
It's 150 minus the number of rolls of toilet paper you have at home.
Because one man's junk is another man's treasure!
It could only yellow.
That’s how I roll.
She starts fitting into your wife’s clothes.
Steve: "I wish I was rich." Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
He fingered a minor.
"Help, I've fallen, and I cant giddy up!"
He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Carl.” Carl was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!” St. Peter said, “Hmm, perhaps that could be arranged. It does involves a lot of paperwork… but sure. You’ve got two alternatives: you can come back as a fish or as a hen.” Carl never liked swimming, and thought that perhaps being a hen wouldn’t be that bad after all. Walking around pecking at the ground, no stress, and if the local rooster was nice then perhaps it could be a comfortable existence. Carl replied, “Okay, then I choose to be a hen.”The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. “So, you’re the new hen, eh? How’s your first day here?”“Not bad,” replied Carl the hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!”“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?” “Never,” said Carl.“Well, just cluck twice and then push.” Carl clucked twice and pushed, and voila, out popped an egg! Carl was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood for the first time. He then clucked twice, pushed, and out came another egg. His joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, “Dammit, Carl! Wake up. You’re shitting the bed!!!”
Well I don't know but the Dinomite